Since the first day that I met Matt, I knew that he was a special person. I mean, each of us are unique and different and...flavourful, but Matt is the kindest and gentlest person I had ever met. From the first time we hung out, he treated me with respect which is surprisingly rare with men.
The night we met
The thing is, I had this list in my head of what I thought the perfect man would be like. You see, many times girls have this preconceived notion of what a relationship will be like and what important qualities are in a man. (Plays a guitar, sings, can cook, has stubble, is tall, is dreamy...) I was one of those girls. I also had a list (similar to the one above) and I was sure that if I prayed hard enough and long enough, the Mr. Right would appear with all the prerequisites listed above.
After waiting for years, yes years, I decided to take matters into my own hands and strike out for myself, no longer waiting passively for someone to come my way.
For me, this was a mistake. I was so desperate to be loved, I threw myself at people who did not deserve the love I had to give. I'm not being proud and saying I had so much to offer, but what I did have was a heart that I had never given to anyone else. When I started hunting for love or for THAT guy, I was:
1. Looking for love in all the wrong places.
No seriously, I was literally looking for love in the wrong places. Bars, house parties, clubs. I knew I wasn't going to find the type of man I was looking for there, but it was fun...for a while.
2. I was depreciating my self worth.
I was throwing myself at people who did not care about me emotionally or spiritually. Physically, yes, but everything else, no. And I can tell you right now, physical is NOTHING without spiritual and emotional. Those guys didn't care that I wanted someone to hold my hand or hold me period. I'm not blaming them or saying they were rapists. I was stupid, lying to myself and trying to be someone I wasn't.
As a woman, I thought I was empowering myself by who I was choosing to be with, but instead I was degrading myself by not looking for a relationship of quality. I was looking for anything.
***NOTE: Anything is NOT better than nothing.***
I suffered from my poor choices emotionally.
When I met Matt, I was giving up on finding or being with someone who cared about me. Immediately, the first moment I talked to him, for the rest of the night, I knew that he was very different from every other man I had talked to or hung out with.
Matt treated me with respect. I said it before, but I reiterate it because I can't emphasize enough how much it matters. He held my hand and he kissed me on the forehead. He didn't use me. From day one, we were on the same page, equals in every way.
Not only was I attracted to Matt's physical appearance (because he is so handsome), I was attracted to his gentle and courteous way of talking to me. He spoke softly and kindly, he was interested in my opinions, we talked about his art and his talent. He showed me some interesting painting and art techniques and I learned a lot from him during those first few weeks.
One of our first dates
I couldn't believe how he would listen to me, actually listen, when I talked to him and then would weeks later reference back what I said.
As we dated for longer and longer and eventually became "official", I grew in our relationship and became more comfortable to express myself more honestly to Matt, read: I was no longer nice all the time. Also, I stopped wearing make up all the time.
When I adopted Licorice, Matt made himself indispensable, especially one horrible nightmarish evening when the poor dog had diarrhea...all night. We really hated our lives that night.
We had so many laughs. We HAVE so many laughs. I think we find each other far more hysterically amusing than we actually are and having a good sense of humour really helps a relationship. We laughed at each other, with each other, beside each other...
I think I have convinced you about how amazing Matt is. He brings me lunches to work. He cooks healthy meals for me. He always lets me pick the movie/tv show to watch. He does my laundry. I haven't scooped the cat litter in over 2 years, because he does that too. Dishes get washed and put away. I wake up in the morning to breakfast in bed. Sometimes he leaves little notes taped to my mirrors. He tells me how beautiful I am all the time. He is humble and is probably cringing as he's reading this list of all the amazing things he has done for me.
What I've come to realize in life is that we don't really know what we want. I had this List and I thought I wanted a man with all those qualities and characteristics on the list, but as time has passed, I realize there are things more important than playing the guitar. Like a man who does my laundry and visits me at work with flowers. A man who listens. A man who will tell me when I'm rude or harsh. A man who knows what I want more than I do. A man who I can tell everything to without feeling squeamish or weird.
In the first six months of our relationship we talked about getting married and whether marriage was something we both had planned in the future. I think we both knew that there wasn't anyone else we wanted to be with. A big part of not getting engaged earlier was simply getting a ring, but I was patiently waiting.
Because the people who are wonderful like Matt are people worth waiting for. I would still be waiting next year or the year after. In the meantime, I learned through fighting and growth that I'm not always right. I'm actually usually wrong. Matt's easy-going personality taught me that I needed to learn patience. We were both continuing to be changed and we still are changing.
Slowly we started to make more firm plans about the season we wanted to get married during. We picked venues and flowers and a date. Still no question. I waited.
Last night (October 8) was our 33 months. We always pick weird anniversaries to celebrate to keep things exciting. I drew Matt a card at work and he told me he was taking care of supper. I came home from work to...an empty apartment.
The dishes were done and the counter clean, but there was no one home. I wandered through the rooms calling Matt's name and then thought, 'Maybe he's late getting take out'. Still in my work scrubs I paced through the rooms and then noticed a little post it on the wall in the kitchen that I had initially missed.
Hmm, curious.
I turned around and saw another one on the front door.
What the...
Without putting shoes on (dumb btw), I followed the little black marks of tape up a stairwell.
Up FIVE flights, I should add. I was kinda gasping by the time I reached the top in my socks. (I probably should've turned back at the first landing to get shoes but I was too intrigued.) Up past the fifth floor I went to a door at the very top of the stairs which was propped open. I stepped out onto the...roof top??? Of the apartment building?
The first thing I saw was a line of tea candles.
I took one picture and the rest I'll have to leave to your imagination.
Since I was a teenager, I've always wanted to have someone make a candle path for me!
I followed the path of lights across the roof top and found a table set up with a lace tablecloth, a giant vase of flowers, plates, knives, Bon Iver playing on a speaker, FOOD, and my dearest love standing waiting for me.
Yes, I am kinda stupid and I babbled. "You did all this for 33 months??? What are you going to do for the proposal? How the heck are you going to top this?? Did you get permission to come up here??? Did you break in?"
Matt was really calm and dished out the food (mmm Bronzie's lasagna!) while telling me that he got our super's permission and that he'd have to think of something more romantic for The Proposal. We sat under the night stars. He even brought up a blanket and a sweater for me in case I was cold. And he gave me his shoes to wear.
It was the most romantic thing ever. We talked about our day, we laughed and I cried while I thought about all the things we had been through and how much we love each other. We told each other that we loved each other.
After we ate A LOT of food, we walked around the roof top holding hands. We stood and look out at night time Hamilton and he wrapped his arms around his waist and said, "Hey, what nicknames do I call you?"
Okay, I'm not listing them here because they're too embarrassing, but I listed them off to him, laughing while thinking about the origin of them, the history of our relationship.
He paused and said, "There's one more name I want to call you..."
I turned around and said, "What?"
As he sunk to one knee, he said, "My wife...Will you marry me?"
I said "YES!!!"
(First I said in disbelief, "Nooo way! Noooo! How did you DO this?? How is this happening??? Then I said "Yes".)
I was crying and laughing and that was that. He slipped a beautiful ring on my finger and we hugged and kissed. I was amazed, shocked that he was able to plan everything without my finding out. Even though we had made firm plans to get married, I was sure that I would know when he would order a ring and be prepared for the proposal.
Even crazier: the elevator was down that day so he carried everything by himself up the five flights of stairs, including the table and two chairs.
A symbol of eternity
Can one person rescue you? Can one person love you and guide and lead you? Can one man make you feel safe, loved and worthwhile? Can a single person change you and help you? Do we truly affect those around us so strongly with our love?
This is a very emotional post for me to write. I spent years believing I was ugly and worthless, not beautiful enough for any man to love. I was told that my personality was "unique". I had very little self esteem. I didn't believe that I would ever be able to find someone that I could be completely comfortable and honest around.
Then I met Matt and my life changed. I already detailed all the amazing things that he has done for me, but most importantly: Matt loved (loves) me and has stuck by me through thick and thin. He challenges me to dig into my faith and what I believe and be genuine about it. I believe in God because I always have and because I was told to. Now I believe in God because I see the reality of His presence in our lives together.
Matt is still the best person I have ever met in my life. I am so blessed to call him my fiance. I am so excited to marry the love of my life. I am excited to have family and friends surrounding us as we step forward. I'm excited to make plans. I'm just excited period!!!
The bouquet of flowers on the table
Thank you to Matt's mom who gave Matt a ride and got the flowers! And thank you to all the people who have been there for me, for us, through thick and thin. You are a blessing to us.
My soul has a purpose, it is to love;
if I do not fulfill my heart's vocation,
I suffer.
~T. Aquinas
I waited what felt like a long time for Matt and I would do it again, in a heart beat.
"We love because He first loved us."
~1 John 4:19
"Do not think that love in order to genuine
has to be extraordinary.
What we need is to love without getting tired."
~Mother Teresa
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