ENGAGEMENT!!!

Since the first day that I met Matt, I knew that he was a special person.  I mean, each of us are unique and different and...flavourful, but Matt is the kindest and gentlest person I had ever met. From the first time we hung out, he treated me with respect which is surprisingly rare with men.  

The night we met

The thing is, I had this list in my head of what I thought the perfect man would be like.  You see, many times girls have this preconceived notion of what a relationship will be like and what important qualities are in a man.  (Plays a guitar, sings, can cook, has stubble, is tall, is dreamy...)  I was one of those girls.  I also had a list (similar to the one above) and I was sure that if I prayed hard enough and long enough, the Mr. Right would appear with all the prerequisites listed above.

After waiting for years, yes years, I decided to take matters into my own hands and strike out for myself, no longer waiting passively for someone to come my way.

For me, this was a mistake.  I was so desperate to be loved, I threw myself at people who did not deserve the love I had to give.  I'm not being proud and saying I had so much to offer, but what I did have was a heart that I had never given to anyone else.  When I started hunting for love or for THAT guy, I was:

1.  Looking for love in all the wrong places.

No seriously, I was literally looking for love in the wrong places.  Bars, house parties, clubs.  I knew I wasn't going to find the type of man I was looking for there, but it was fun...for a while.

2. I was depreciating my self worth.  

I was throwing myself at people who did not care about me emotionally or spiritually.  Physically, yes, but everything else, no.  And I can tell you right now, physical is NOTHING without spiritual and emotional.  Those guys didn't care that I wanted someone to hold my hand or hold me period.  I'm not blaming them or saying they were rapists.  I was stupid, lying to myself and trying to be someone I wasn't. 

As a woman, I thought I was empowering myself by who I was choosing to be with, but instead I was degrading myself by not looking for a relationship of quality.  I was looking for anything.  

***NOTE:  Anything is NOT better than nothing.***


I suffered from my poor choices emotionally.  

When I met Matt, I was giving up on finding or being with someone who cared about me.  Immediately, the first moment I talked to him, for the rest of the night, I knew that he was very different from every other man I had talked to or hung out with.

Matt treated me with respect.  I said it before, but I reiterate it because I can't emphasize enough how much it matters.   He held my hand and he kissed me on the forehead.  He didn't use me. From day one, we were on the same page, equals in every way.

Not only was I attracted to Matt's physical appearance (because he is so handsome), I was attracted to his gentle and courteous way of talking to me.  He spoke softly and kindly, he was interested in my opinions, we talked about his art and his talent.  He showed me some interesting painting and art techniques and I learned a lot from him during those first few weeks.  

One of our first dates

I couldn't believe how he would listen to me, actually listen, when I talked to him and then would weeks later reference back what I said.

As we dated for longer and longer and eventually became "official", I grew in our relationship and became more comfortable to express myself more honestly to Matt, read: I was no longer nice all the time.  Also, I stopped wearing make up all the time. 

When I adopted Licorice, Matt made himself indispensable, especially one horrible nightmarish evening when the poor dog had diarrhea...all night.  We really hated our lives that night.

We had so many laughs.  We HAVE so many laughs.  I think we find each other far more hysterically amusing than we actually are and having a good sense of humour really helps a relationship.  We laughed at each other, with each other, beside each other...

I think I have convinced you about how amazing Matt is.  He brings me lunches to work.  He cooks healthy meals for me.  He always lets me pick the movie/tv show to watch.  He does my laundry. I haven't scooped the cat litter in over 2 years, because he does that too.  Dishes get washed and put away.  I wake up in the morning to breakfast in bed.  Sometimes he leaves little notes taped to my mirrors.  He tells me how beautiful I am all the time.  He is humble and is probably cringing as he's reading this list of all the amazing things he has done for me.

What I've come to realize in life is that we don't really know what we want.  I had this List and I thought I wanted a man with all those qualities and characteristics on the list, but as time has passed, I realize there are things more important than playing the guitar.  Like a man who does my laundry and visits me at work with flowers.  A man who listens.  A man who will tell me when I'm rude or harsh.  A man who knows what I want more than I do.  A man who I can tell everything to without feeling squeamish or weird.

In the first six months of our relationship we talked about getting married and whether marriage was something we both had planned in the future.  I think we both knew that there wasn't anyone else we wanted to be with.  A big part of not getting engaged earlier was simply getting a ring, but I was patiently waiting.  

Because the people who are wonderful like Matt are people worth waiting for.  I would still be waiting next year or the year after.  In the meantime, I learned through fighting and growth that I'm not always right.  I'm actually usually wrong.  Matt's easy-going personality taught me that I needed to learn patience.  We were both continuing to be changed and we still are changing.

Slowly we started to make more firm plans about the season we wanted to get married during.  We picked venues and flowers and a date.  Still no question.  I waited.

Last night (October 8) was our 33 months.  We always pick weird anniversaries to celebrate to keep things exciting.  I drew Matt a card at work and he told me he was taking care of supper.  I came home from work to...an empty apartment.

The dishes were done and the counter clean, but there was no one home.  I wandered through the rooms calling Matt's name and then thought, 'Maybe he's late getting take out'.   Still in my work scrubs I paced through the rooms and then noticed a little post it on the wall in the kitchen that I had initially missed. 

Hmm, curious.  
I turned around and saw another one on the front door.

What the...
Without putting shoes on (dumb btw), I followed the little black marks of tape up a stairwell.

Up FIVE flights, I should add.  I was kinda gasping by the time I reached the top in my socks.  (I probably should've turned back at the first landing to get shoes but I was too intrigued.)  Up past the fifth floor I went to a door at the very top of the stairs which was propped open.  I stepped out onto the...roof top??? Of the apartment building?

The first thing I saw was a line of tea candles. 
I took one picture and the rest I'll have to leave to your imagination.

Since I was a teenager, I've always wanted to have someone make a candle path for me!

I followed the path of lights across the roof top and found a table set up with a lace tablecloth, a giant vase of flowers, plates, knives, Bon Iver playing on a speaker, FOOD, and my dearest love standing waiting for me.

Yes, I am kinda stupid and I babbled. "You did all this for 33 months??? What are you going to do for the proposal? How the heck are you going to top this?? Did you get permission to come up here???  Did you break in?"

Matt was really calm and dished out the food (mmm Bronzie's lasagna!) while telling me that he got our super's permission and that he'd have to think of something more romantic for The Proposal.  We sat under the night stars.  He even brought up a blanket and a sweater for me in case I was cold.  And he gave me his shoes to wear.

It was the most romantic thing ever.  We talked about our day, we laughed and I cried while I thought about all the things we had been through and how much we love each other.  We told each other that we loved each other.

After we ate A LOT of food, we walked around the roof top holding hands.  We stood and look out at night time Hamilton and he wrapped his arms around his waist and said, "Hey, what nicknames do I call you?"

Okay, I'm not listing them here because they're too embarrassing, but I listed them off to him, laughing while thinking about the origin of them, the history of our relationship.  

He paused and said, "There's one more name I want to call you..."
I turned around and said, "What?"
As he sunk to one knee, he said, "My wife...Will you marry me?"
I said "YES!!!"
(First I said in disbelief, "Nooo way! Noooo! How did you DO this?? How is this happening???  Then I said "Yes".)

I was crying and laughing and that was that.   He slipped a beautiful ring on my finger and we hugged and kissed.  I was amazed, shocked that he was able to plan everything without my finding out.  Even though we had made firm plans to get married, I was sure that I would know when he would order a ring and be prepared for the proposal.

Even crazier:  the elevator was down that day so he carried everything by himself up the five flights of stairs, including the table and two chairs. 

A symbol of eternity

Can one person rescue you?  Can one person love you and guide and lead you?  Can one man make you feel safe, loved and worthwhile?  Can a single person change you and help you?  Do we truly affect those around us so strongly with our love?

This is a very emotional post for me to write.  I spent years believing I was ugly and worthless, not beautiful enough for any man to love.  I was told that my personality was "unique".  I had very little self esteem.  I didn't believe that I would ever be able to find someone that I could be completely comfortable and honest around.

Then I met Matt and my life changed.  I already detailed all the amazing things that he has done for me, but most importantly:  Matt loved (loves) me and has stuck by me through thick and thin.  He challenges me to dig into my faith and what I believe and be genuine about it.  I believe in God because I always have and because I was told to.  Now I believe in God because I see the reality of His presence in our lives together.

Matt is still the best person I have ever met in my life.  I am so blessed to call him my fiance.  I am so excited to marry the love of my life.  I am excited to have family and friends surrounding us as we step forward.  I'm excited to make plans.  I'm just excited period!!!

The bouquet of flowers on the table

Thank you to Matt's mom who gave Matt a ride and got the flowers!  And thank you to all the people who have been there for me, for us, through thick and thin.  You are a blessing to us.  

My soul has a purpose, it is to love;

if I do not fulfill my heart's vocation,
I suffer.
~T. Aquinas 

I waited what felt like a long time for Matt and I would do it again, in a heart beat.  

"We love because He first loved us."

~1 John 4:19

"Do not think that love in order to genuine
has to be extraordinary.
What we need is to love without getting tired."
~Mother Teresa

I'M LOVING...

THIS
(sweetest thing)

Please listen!  If you like Bon Iver, Mumford & Sons, Birdy, etc, you WILL like this song. 

I had never heard of this band before so I was pleasantly surprised to discover them on Youtube, thanks in part to Buzzfeed (another new addiction of mine).

I could fall asleep or make out to this song.  Perhaps both at the same time.  How talented am I???

ALSO THIS
(strangest thing)

"Girls Don't Poop"

That's the promotion tag line for "Poopourri", a new invention that apparently cloaks the minty scents of poops.

The video is way worth watching.

There are over 20 scents of Poopourri available. 

 "Protective layer of essential oils keeps embarrassing odors
buried under water"

One of the more bizarre things I've seen lately and...I'M GOING TO GET SOME!

THESE GUYS
(momma thing)

THESE 
(fashion things)

I saw and fell in love with this bracelet
I ordered online and it came in earlier this week
So pretty

The designer/company is Ashley Bridget
I'm also lusting after their newest bracelet

Why yes, my friend, that IS a Harry Potter themed bracelet!

DO WANT.

Speaking of Drake...

THIS GUY
(cutest thing)

I never realized before how great Drake's smile is

PROOF:

AND THERE'S GIFS!!!

When I'm having a bad moment,
I think of Drake's smile.
And if you wanna get really into the smile...
You can search #drakesmiling on Tumblr 

And I like his new song:

THIS AT LAST

(bookworm thing)

I read Ken Follett's Fall of Giants over a year ago and have eagerly been anticipating the sequel Winter of the World.  I've firmly held out for the paperback copy.

I started reading it yesterday and so far is it devastatingly good and absorbing!  At 800+ pages I can foresee many late nights in the near future.  

It's a must read!

Ciao for now!

Makeup & Family Emergencies

This past Friday I went for a whole day without wearing makeup. Now, I know that doesn't seem like much of a claim;  you'd have to know my makeup history.

It all started when I was in my late teens/early twenties.  Prior to those years I never wore makeup and my parents never encouraged it.  My dad is not a fan of the "cake face" aka this:

Or this: 

The most makeup my Mom would wear was Chapstick and that was fine with her.  To be clear, my dad NEVER oppressed my mom into NOT wearing makeup:  she never cared for it herself, and she has such beautiful skin, she doesn't need it.

I, on the other hand, went through a bad bout of acne and blotchiness, so when I discovered FOUNDATION, the doors of heaven swung open.

From there I spiraled into a VERY complicated and intense makeup regime that went something like this:

-primer
-foundation
-powder
-blush/bronzer
-eyeliner
-eye primer
-eye shadow
-lip primer
-mascara
-lip gloss/lipstick

I would never leave my place without having all of the above on my face, especially for work.  I was very self-conscious about my acne and I didn't understand that using large amounts of makeup can exacerbate already sensitive skin into a state of constant breakout.  I also used brands such as Cover Girl which isn't high quality.  

(Yes there is a huge difference between high and low quality makeup.)  

My dad didn't say anything when I started showing up for church and family outings all decked out with my dark eye-liner despite the time of day.  But I was never quite as bad as Taylor Momsen, a repeat offender.

Believe it or not, it was my wonderful boyfriend who slowly helped break the chains of makeup from me.  During the first few months we were dating I was still so self-conscious, always spending lots of time putting on my face before going out.  I'll never forget the first time he casually remarked off hand to me, "You don't need makeup, babe.  You look great the way you are".

For the record, I never wore makeup for my boyfriend, even though he repeatedly said to me "You don't have to wear makeup for me" and "You know I think you're beautiful just the way you are".

Slowly over time though, being around someone who input these healthy thoughts into my mind, I started realizing that it wasn't about caring less for myself.  You know how there's this small truth that as you become more comfortable dating someone, you kinda...let yourself go?  Well, I was determined to keep up my regime, giving my best face to the world, but Matt challenged that.

I have learned a few important lessons about this topic over the past years...

1.  Less is more.  You don't have to cake the makeup on.  A nice fresh light look goes a lot further than heavy unnatural looking eye-liner.

2. Be self confident.  I was relying on cover up my imperfections to make it through the day.  I was unable to be confident enough to present my "naked" face to the world. Makeup took away my strength and I felt I would be less of a woman if I didn't properly do myself up.  The fact is:  there's nothing wrong with makeup, but it shouldn't be a crutch, something you NEED to have on before leaving the house.

3. Buy high quality.  I cannot stress this enough, especially in regards to foundation.  As I mentioned before, I was irritating my skin with low quality brands.  I now use "HD Makeup" aka "Make Up Forever" and a tiny squirt of foundation covers my whole face.  I've never had a break out using this makeup.  It is far more expensive than Shopper's Drug Mart makeup, but it is SO WORTH IT. 

My favourite eye shadow makeup is by Urban Decay and I just got this basic palette that everyone should own

4. Invest in a good brush set.  Prior to having a brush set, I used my fingers to apply my make up, which basically moves around the oils from your hands to your skin.  I bought this brush set from Sephora and it is well worth the extra costs.  (Also, keep your brushes clean!)

So I had scaled back drastically on my makeup use, only wearing eye-liner, eye shadow and mascara to work.  Foundation is saved for events or evenings out with friends.   But what precipitated an entire day without ANY MAKEUP at all???


***WARNING:  SERIOUSNESS APPROACHING***


On Friday morning at 6 am I was waking up to drive my boyfriend to work when my phone rang.  It was my mom.  My dad had been on and off sick for a week and she was calling to let me know that he had been admitted into the nearby ER with severe pain among other scary symptoms.  No one seemed sure of anything because the doctors hadn't been around yet with any news.

IMMEDIATE REACTION:

Then:

But seriously...I was FREAKED out.  My dad is never sick.  The fact that he had been down-and-out for the entire week prior had me a little worried, but no one in our family has ever been EXTREMELY sick, so we didn't think much of it.

I jumped out of bed, ran in bare feet to my sister's conveniently placed next door apartment and banged on the door.  She rushed out of bed, I picked up my mom and we went straight to the hospital to see my dad.

Friends, there is nothing worse than seeing a parent helpless.  From childhood I have seen my father as a strong man, physically, spiritually and emotionally.  Nothing shatters that view faster than seeing your parent laying on a hospital stretcher crying in pain.  I felt anger at the ER for not attending to his needs faster and I felt helpless.  All of a sudden I was on the OTHER side of the system (I work in the hospital) and I didn't know what to do.

I put on a cheery face and said, "Don't worry Dad, I'm gonna go get the nurse to bring you some more pain meds".  Then I went and found the nurse and rudely demanded said meds.  Then I went and found my sister outside of Tim Hortons and broke down Jack-style:

(I'm crying but I'm trying to be manly and suck it up.)

I can add in all these funny GIFs to make this story more amusing, but the reality is, it wasn't.  It was so hard for me to see my Dad like that;  it was hard for ALL my siblings who came rushing in to see him.  My mom was very cool and collected and great under the pressure, but it is very sobering to see someone you love suffering.

I posted on Facebook a request for prayer for my Dad and the response has been so overwhelming.  People have stood behind us and prayed, helping out the best way that they can.  We found out that my Dad's condition (meningitis) is the better strain to have (viral) and that he will not be in the hospital longer than 10 days.  As the doctors seek to discover the reason for the virus, I think I can safely say that we are all content just knowing he is slowly getting better.

In running to the hospital, staying there for hours, rushing out to grab some things from the stores in the afternoon, I stood in front of the mirror that night and realized there was no make up to remove.  I had spent the day without a trace of makeup on and I hadn't hidden away in the house...  

Sickness and emergencies make you realize that there are things in life that are so much more important.  Perhaps my dad (and my boyfriend) have had a better grasp of that this entire time...or maybe they're just guys who live simply.  At any rate, wear whatever you want on your face, but be confident in your naked beauty.  Hug your dad tonight.  

P.S.  My dad is doing much better although his medications are making him feel worse.  Hopefully he will be home in the next couple days, although perhaps he is enjoying the relative quiet of the hospital compared to home...

Promises & Runs

"I promise I will love you for the rest of your life..."  Yesterday Matt knelt before me on the living room floor and held out a silver Celtic knot ring, tears in each of our eyes.  No, we're not engaged or getting married any time soon, but there is something heart-stirring about declaring your love for someone in a piece of jewelry, no matter what size, shape, make or cost.  He slid the ring onto my finger and we hugged, cried, laughed and held each other.

Sometimes thing are really tough.  Sometimes you wonder why you're doing it.  Sometimes you pray for strength to keep on keeping on because you don't know what else to do.  Sometimes the days seem long and the minutes stretch out into hours.   Sometimes you're laughing, smiling at each, at peace and in love.  Relationships are probably the most up and down, in and out, head-over-heels thing we will ever do in our lives.

I won't be the first or the last person to say it, but...it's worth it.  The fighting, the crying, the anger and tension...all these things are just temporary and eventually lead into laughing and happiness.  You gotta take the good with the bad, the happy with the sad.

Licorice and I went out for a 3.5k run today.  We stopped at a water fountain to cool off and I am currently enjoying the heat & sweat.  Nothing feels more legit than sweating during a work out.  I will also be posting some photos soon of a bike I bought yesterday!  We went for almost a 10k ride last night and now my bottom is very sore today.  Not looking forward to going in to work in a couple hours....fee fie foe fum on my desk job!

Happy Love Day!

Let your love be like the misty rains, coming softly, but flooding the river.  ~Malagasy Proverb

February 14: the day that many people dread and claim to be a "fake holiday".  In some ways I do still feel cynical, as the fact that we apparently need one day a year to tell the person we love that they matter to us rubs me the wrong way.  What is it about planning that one day to be obvious in our affections to each other that just seems so wrong???  Why aren't we taking every day in our relationships to say "I love you" with our actions or our words?

The reality of it is:  when I first started dating M and it became we were very serious about each other, I found swelling in my heart this new feeling, that I loved M so deeply and intensely, as if I am the only person who has ever loved someone with such strength.  While I felt that with my heart, I knew in my head that such a notion is ridiculous.  Each and every person in their relationships at some point convinces themselves that what they are experiencing in the greatest and highest point of their life.  Nothing else can compare.

Yet, perhaps what I should do is not discredit my relationship with M or the extent of my feelings, but continue to remain faithful in my love and fidelity.  I know in many ways I can be a heart breaker--not that I am desired by many men and have broken dozens of hearts, but rather that I often lack compassion for M and fail in the way I treat him, with insensitivity and love.

Of my many prayers for 2012, I pray that we will all find love amongst each other and that our love which begins as a small seed will grow and be nourished.  May God give us wisdom as we seeks answers to difficult situations, patience when things aren't going our way, compassion for the pain our lovers may have in their past or present...May God grant us love.

fight for me

It's been a long time since I've updated this blog and I have missed writing.   I've been faithful in my 750 words for the most part, currently on a 42 day streak, but I'm back here again and will try to be more consistent with my posting, although a cynical part of me wonders why I even do it.  For the love of writing?  I already write my 750 words (www.750words.com) daily so I don't necessarily need to come here at all...but I'm here.


Things have been hard lately.  Not hard as in major life decisions to be made in a matter of days, more like...winter doldrums.  98 more days until spring--I looked up a spring countdown widget, I can't lie--and I can barely contain my yearning for the smell of fresh earth, the buds on trees, new life... Spring is the season that resonates in my soul.  I don't even mind the rain and grey during spring time as I know it's the precursor to a warm and sunny season, summer.


But doldrums.  Serious down in the dumps.  Never mind that Christmas is right around the corner...I haven't even started my Christmas shopping.  I made a little list while twiddling my thumbs at work today and I discovered that I'm not very interested in picking presents this year.  I wish I could get everyone a gift card and be done with it, but the pleasure of giving gifts is in finding the perfect one and watching the receiver's face as they open it. Splendid.  Okay, maybe I'm talking myself into being excited about finding gifts...


I'm down in the dumps about the long, cold nights and few hours of pure sunshine, which transfers to other things in my life.  I'm so lackadaisical about work.  I should be trying to pick up more hours with the financial burden of Christmas, but I don't even care.  Not only are things hard with what I self diagnose as SAD (seasonal affect disorder), financially everything is so tight.  I paid off a credit card settlement in three large-ish settlements which set me back, I still don't have my own computer because I can't afford one...I miss downloading music and movies, tv shows and eBooks, going on my LOST forum and surfing Youtube.  It was an enjoyable break from the mundane reality of life.


I'm scraping by just paying hydro and rent.  It's exhausting, the worrying.  What would I do if I got sick and couldn't work?  I'm not covered for anything!  What about my second credit card?  Where will I live when these apartments eventually get turned into condos?  The worst part is:  I don't really have anyone to work through these things with.  M tries his best to be supportive, but sometimes I get angry because I feel like he gets to live like a teenagers or college kid and I'm the one who has to go to a crappy job and work shifts I hate in order to pay our rent and food costs.  Trying to ignore those feelings hasn't helped.  At all.


The SAD is also affecting my relationship with him.  I get so frustrated and upset about the most trite and ridiculous things.  I get so angry at him for fighting with me...not even fighting, because he won't engage in warfare...disappointing me.   For not giving me what I need, for giving up so fast without a protest, for not persisting and trying to talk to me about problems.  For not being the boyfriend I need, for leaving me in high water.  I just want him to text me, pursue me, say something, say anything...I want him to fight for me.


I know I'm exhausting, annoying, frustrating and irksome.  I know I'm trying and I ask for a lot.  I know I fail to compromise and be flexible.  I know that things which are minute in the grand scheme of life matter more to me than they should.  I realize it must be difficult to love me through all these issues I have, but I want someone who will fight for me and my love.  I want to know I matter that much to someone.  To anyone.


Since I started dating M, most of my "church/Christian" friends have fallen away, disappeared.  K (one of them) said I was pushing people away, so I feel now as if it's my fault.  Have I change so thoroughly?  Do people no longer recognize me?  Am I completely altered?


Sometimes I sit and read old cards, letters and notes my friends gave me.  They are full of sweetness and light.  We will always be friends.  There is no one like me.  I aspire kindness and respect.  I am wise, we have a connection, I am loved, we will always and forever be friends.


Now it rings of adolescent foolishness.  No one can predict the future.  We will follow our own paths, will make smart and destructive choices.  The people who make the promises of eternal comradeship should reconsider.  Ultimately they aren't hurting themselves--they're hurting the people who believe them and that was my foolishness: believing them.


It sounds overly dramatic, I know, but it's true.  I feel afloat when I think of all the friends I once had who never bother texting me, talking to me, maintaining the connection.  It always comes back to:  have I changed?  Am I no longer the Marcia they knew?  I would personally attribute any possible negative changes in my character to working so long in a depressing and negative work place, but I'm sure those friends would blame my sinful life style.


They no longer invite me to breakfasts, get togethers and why?  Because God doesn't hear me anymore.  Because I'm not pure anymore.  My sins encompass me and now define who I am in their eyes.  I no longer have dreams and hopes, I don't feel hurt over being ignored or cast away...although apparently that is my choice.  Sinners don't care about anyone except themselves, right?


M doesn't text me, just like those friends.  They gave up on me and I never hear from them.  M says he's afraid of my anger that sometimes burns so very brightly.  He says he doesn't know what to say to me when I'm so upset and normally I value his hesitancy to speak rashly and inflame the situation, but this time I'm waiting and waiting.  I want to hear from him first, like a stubborn child.  Irrationally, I think to myself, 'I always cede first'.  I send the text saying "I'm sorry" first.  I try to make amends and it's exhausting.  Maybe it's my responsibility because I usually provoke the disagreements, but where is he, being the man?  Why doesn't he persist, pursue, continue?  Why won't he fight for me?  What can't he grasp or understand why this is so important to me?


I need him to prove that he is not like those friends.  I need to believe he won't fade away.


I am ashamed of how girly and boring this entry is but I need to vent.  I need to find peace with my friends, the ones who have moved on to their own lives which don't include me. 
I need to get into a Christmas spirit.  I need to start (and finish) that list. 
I need to be kinder and gentler with my boyfriend who gives me so much already.


I need some love.

Cohabitation & call bells

I always over think everything.  Every. Single. Thing.  I wish I could be one of those people who were reckless and did whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted to, but alas, I am not.  All angles must be taken into consideration, all aspects discussed and delved into, every possibility placed rigorously under a microscope for close examination.

The strange thing is, I used to be that type of person--carefree and wild--especially when I was teenager.  I was very free spirited, possibly because I had less worries and responsibilities back in those days.  "Growing up", carrying around the weight of being financially independent and all those other things, changes everyone.   You begin the journey of realization that life isn't simply about creating fun experiences to enjoy--it's also about sacrifice and learning how to be less selfish, becoming more giving to the people you love, making wise choices and taking care of your body.

So obviously, when my Person and I started discussing the very real and imminient possibility of moving in together, I immediately began conjuring up hypothetical scenarios that we would face.  Who would pay for what?  What if either of our friends became too rowdy?  How would we respect each other's belongings?  Who will clean the bathroom?  The kitchen?  What if we fight?  Who is responsible for making meals on what night?  What if either of our friends drink all our liquor and eat our food?  When should be the set time for kicking people out?  What if we start to get on each other's nerves due to being in close proximity to each other on a daily basis?

The minute I had a free moment to myself, I went to Google (the answer to all of life's questions) and typed in "questions to ask before moving in with boyfriend" and voila! Up came all these weird links to Wiki Answers and Yahoo Answers which comprised of questions people had posting asking if three months spent with a boyfriend was a long enough amount of time to be prepared for cohabitation.

Even as I read the questions and the many differing answers, I knew with my head that asking that type of question is ridiculous because each person is different, ergo each relationship is subsequently different.  There is no standard or magical time where one automatically is prepared to embark into a more serious commitment/relationship.  I kept reading though and eventually stumbled upon this:  101 Questions To Ask Your Boyfriend. 

It was the most bizarre thing I have encountered in a while;  the idea of sitting down with a printed list of 101 questions to ask your significant other seemed strange to me, although I suppose it must work for some people.  The questions vary from serious ("Do you prefer to share finances with your partner or keep it separate?") to very personal ("Is there anything we can do in bed that you think is just wrong?) to bordering ridiculous ("Is cheating ever okay?").  Call me crazy, but I believe that if you're even having to ask those questions looking for a serious answer, your relationship hasn't taken off yet and you definitely shouldn't be considering moving in with them.

(I asked a few of those questions in my head to my Person and was relieved that I felt fairly sure of answers I could predict coming from him.  Perhaps I'll be weird, print off all the questions and make him sit for two hours and answer every single one in great detail.  Especially "Should relationships require work?".)

Moving along with this post which is getting quite lengthy...  After delving through the internet for questions to ask before moving in together, I discovered that according to Canada Statistics, couples who cohabitate before marriage are more likely to dissolve their marital union than couples who don't live together before marriage.

My brain went into overdrive after looking at the statistics and reading articles that expound on why this is the case.  (Stats can be seen here.)  Eventually though, I read a piece that discussed "adverse selectivity".  Here is a small bit from the article:

"Finally, cohabiting relationships and post-cohabiting marriages are at greater risk of dissolution than are marriages not preceded by cohabitation. The last factor is likely due to what researchers call adverse selectivity. That is, these relationships attract people who are more willing to dissolve unsatisfactory relationships, rather than remain in them unhappily."

It's a very interesting point proven, but also makes one wonder about the level of commitment and fidelity our society contains.  Yes, there are people who say they become trapped in loveless relationships, but on the other hand, when does one give up? 

Okay, seriously, enough about relationships, whether long term or explosively short and damaging.  Again, I know with my head that there is no way to predict what might come of the choices we make.  All we can do is move forward, which I think should become my new mantra:  there is no looking back, only moving forward.

Call bells are extremely annoying today, patients ringing every few minutes for the most incredibly unimportant reasons.  I sometimes hear phantom ringing in my head when I'm trying to fall asleep and it's then that I make the resolution once more to find a job that I enjoy doing, not a job that has become a necessity of life.

It's Friday and the eve of my nine days off of work.  Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!
~Peace

what is love?

I had this thought cross my mind today as I was stocking patient charts. 

What is love?

What do I consider love to be?

Is it really love or is it an ideal that I've created in my mind that is skewed?

One of my biggest problems is freaking out and having anxiety attacks over minor issues.  I work myself into a frenzy and literally cannot turn my mind off.  Last night I lay awake on my bed until almost 12 a.m. and considered all the things that could possibly go wrong in my life, financially, physically, relationally, emotionally... I drive myself into negativity, constantly focusing unhelpfully on possible things that could go wrong.

With my brain I rationally know that anything could go wrong.  Every relationship has an aspect of risk, is somewhat of a gamble.  Physically, you never know what could go wrong with your body, how you may need to seek medical attention.  Emotionally we all have scars and demons that we fight with until the day we die. 

What is the point in contemplating these negative things and making myself freak out while I'm sleeping alone at night?
Anyway, back to what I contemplate love to be.

I suppose I consider it to be what my parents have shown and taught me.  My dad is very respectful of my mom.  Of course they would fight--on one occasion she even threw a knife after which we would grab all the kitchen cutlery and hide it when they were getting angry--and they aren't a perfect couple, but one thing my dad has displayed is a respect for my mom.
He would never talk about her and their issues to anyone else because he knew how much that would hurt her.  He told us that he loves her more than he loves us--I know that sounds harsh, but she is the person he plans on spending the rest of his life with, not us his children.
My dad and my mom are individually very frustrating people at times and I have a broken relationship with them at the moment, but they have displayed exemplary behaviour when it comes to persevering in a relationship.

So I guess love means perseverance to me and I've constantly made the mistake of throwing in the towel.   "Ahh, things are getting hard! Woe is me!" *arms windmilling wildly in the air* "I'm giving up!" 
I seem to lack perseverance when it comes to many things, another thing being exercise.  I used to be extremely rigid in my daily routine and now I've just become apathetic and lazy.  I used to stay on top of my finances and now I'm dealing with credit problems because I've been lazy.  I tend to bury my head in the sand when things get overwhelming and scary.

Okay, what else?

I kinda think that love is give and take, each person looking out for the interests of the other.  So, automatically when I want something, I believe that it will be given to me because they love me.  I suppose that's a very flawed way of thinking.  Number one, I shouldn't be considering what I can get from someone, but what I can give to someone.  Generosity and thinking about others tends to distract one from negative thoughts.  Number two, I shouldn't believe that love hinges on what one can give to you or whether they make good on their promises.

And now, I very highly value promises people make me and I think that is because of my parents again.  They made promises to us as children and they failed on multiple times to keep their word.  Each time they changed direction we would cry and say, "But...but...you promised!" as if it was the trump card, but then my dad would say, "I'm human, I make mistakes.  Sorry."  Saying sorry to a twelve year old for not keeping a serious promise doesn't really cut it and it's very hard to forgive.

When people who say they love me make a promise, I expect them to keep it and it hurts me a lot when they don't.  It causes distrust to grow in my heart and forgiveness is very difficult.  It takes me back to when I was a child and how my parents treated me.

Know thyself.  The more I think about these issues, the more light I cast on my current behaviour.  I want to be a good partner, I want to be a person who cares about people around them and I don't want to wallow and focus solely on myself.  I've allowed myself to live in this place of self pity and negativity when really, God has given me the tools to help people and has created me to express and communicate myself to others.  Getting away from sitting at home and contemplating the "what if's" is most likely the key to this situation.  The key to opening the door to change, anyway.

Back to "what is love?"...
It's give and take.
It's keeping promises.
It's also...
...considering the feelings of your partner and acting accordingly. 

I expect and hope the person I'm with to think about how his actions make me feel and to consider thoughtfully before embarking on whatever he chooses to do.  However, that works my way as well.  I should probably stop saying "we need to break up" and start saying "how can we work through this?".  I should consider the fact that when I get upset or cry, it makes him feel bad...it causes him to feel inadequate.

There are so many aspects when it comes to love, it's overwhelming, but I think I'll settled with those three definitions today.

Give and take.
Keeping promises.
Considering each other.

I'm going to continue contemplating what love means to me and hopefully I will be able to see how I can change and get my emotional responses under control.

To lighten up this entry...

My parents stopped by my apartment last night with a couple of my siblings.  They sat with my around the dining room table and we discussed the family reunion we are planning this Saturday. At one point Sue started yelling and defending Josh (who wasn't even there, wtf) and that's how my family is... Loud, annoying, opinionated, dysfunctional, smothering, emotional, and moody.  It was nice to have people there to talk to, even though we may not get along or things may be strained.  I forgot in that moment about my problems.  I stopped obsessing as we tried to trouble shoot the issue of rides.  And then I realized when they left that I need to stop being selfish and stop worrying.

Even lighter...

I woke up this morning around 5 and Licorice was pacing around the bedroom, watching Mr. Cat and I sleeping together on the bed.  I called his name and he jumped effortlessly up on the bed and curled up on the other side of me.  He doesn't just lay beside me...he snuggles up, puts his nose against me and smells me contentedly, rests his head right against my body as if needing the physical comfort.  Sandwiched between the two animals that love me so unconditonally, I felt so peaceful and happy. 
So fuck it, I'm posting more animal pictures because I love them both.

Here's to continuing down the path of self discovery and enlightenment!

Cheers:)