Fighting on when...

I've never been hurt by someone I really love. I remember once when I was younger, my Mom and Dad telling me in a wildly misguided effort to encourage losing weight, "You'd have such a pretty face if you were thinner..." as if the potential to be good looking was lurking beneath fat and ugliness.

In a way though, you kind of expect your family to fuck you up to some extent.  Everyone around each other for hours, weeks and months start to believe that what they no longer has a lasting or huge effect on each other.  It's as though taking each other for granted somehow makes it easier to withstand harsh criticisms and as though it's suddenly okay to lash out angrily and say hurtful things to inflict maximum damage.

Then suddenly I find myself in this new place where I deeply, with a strong sense of emotion, love someone else.  It's almost that love where you feel as though you would do anything, or try to do anything for that person and it's unavoidably a bit overwhelming...okay, a lot overwhelming even at times.  Anyway, I think back to when we first started "canoodling", spending time together, laying for hours on my bed talking and kissing, making promises to each other...

One of those promises we both repeated several times was: "I'll never hurt you".
In time it changed to: "I never want to hurt you".
Then it was: "I can't promise I won't hurt you".
Now it has become: "I'll probably hurt you but I will always love you".

It's the realistic way that relationships evolve and I know that with my head.  We can't go around have this mushy feelings 100% of the time;  none of those feelings of being enamoured are substantial and they definitely won't see you through the difficult times.

The difficult times... I never thought I'd be able to feel so many strong emotions simultaneously.  I love this person so much, but I also find myself frustrated and so hurt by them and that's what this is all about.

The hurt that accompanies loving someone...because they have the potential to wound you deeper more than anyone else.  You give them your heart, you allow yourself to be vulnerable and open...eventually in consequence, because we're all human, we'll do something to cast doubt or to make the other person feel upset or sad.

It reminds me of the line from P.S. I Love You.  The main character is talking about her deceased husband and how rude she was to him at times, even though she loved him...how she regretted not constantly expressing her love to him, and her friend (the stereotypical wing-woman) says,
"That's what people do in marriage.  They make each other feel like shit."
And while it has a bit of a comedic touch to it *cue canned laughter*, it's kinda true.  You come to learn what drives the person you're with a bit batty and then you sometimes use it against them, as ammunition during a battle.

After a situation I went through with the person I love a couple days ago, I was faced with the unavoidable truth:  that love isn't easy.  Everyone who has been or who is a long term relationship will tell you that and as a single person, you hear what they're saying but you don't truly hear it or believe it.  You nod and listen to their wisdom and opinion on love, but until it's happening to you, you don't grasp the depth of what they mean.


But I'm fighting on when the fighting is hard. Forgiveness is a gift we must learn to give unconditionally, especially considering we will inevitably need it at least once.


Leaving with a pic of Licorice all tuckered out after a day at the beach:

running and thoughts

Ok, I somehow found the energy to go for a run tonight, despite the fact that it's something like 32 degrees Celsius outside, plus the notorious Hamilton humidity that blankets this city.  (It's supposed to get even warmer by Thursday this week.  Dear God, please magically install my window A/C unit.)  Anyway, Licorice and I ran for almost an hour.  Honestly, at one point I thought I was going to pass out.  I got this huge stitch in my side and starting having problems inhaling deeply.  Such is life in a smoggy and humid city. 


Now I'm sitting at home enjoying this:

I may (or may not) have stolen that glass from a Montana's.


Yesterday Licorice and I enjoyed the sweet summer night at the dog park:

Driving up a street towards the sunset:

And the final precious moments before dark, when all is still:

Wow, I went off on a huge tangent there.  Back to the beginning!
I was running with Licorice and as we were panting down a deserted back street this song by The Killers came on:

Who doesn't kinda love The Killers?
But the thing that caught my attention were the lyrics:

You sit there in your heartache 

 Waiting on some beautiful boy to   

To save you from your old ways 

You play forgiveness  

Watch it now  

Here he comes  

He doesn't look a thing like Jesus 

But he talks like a gentleman 

Like you imagined 

When you were young

I've heard the song many times, but each and every time it resonates within me and probably within thousands of people like me...people who grew up going to church, were taught that there was only one acceptable way of life, who were told that their life destination was to meet someone, have kids, be a great mother and wife and eventually grandmother until the circle of life was complete.


Why did I believe that?  Probably because I was brought up so strongly in that faith and belief system and I don't believe it's completely wrong.  There is joy in being a helpmate to someone, to having children and watching them grow up.  These are all natural qualities of being a human, but somehow so many of us Christians become so caught up in the "finding Mr. Right", that when he does come along, he's also expected to be Mr. Perfect because the anticipation has caused such a build up of unrealistic expectations.


It's a lesson I'm learning every day...attempting to combat what has been taught me since childhood...that the person I'm with should be the most important thing that will happen to me in my life.  How easy it can become to abandon one's personal interests in order to accommodate a partner into one's life.


The conclusion I arrive at (and I end up here every time) is that A) no one is perfect and the sooner we quit expecting someone to be, the happier and more accepting we will be and B) I need to continue being Marcia and not just consider myself as part of two now.  There still needs to be Marcia who is just herself.


Find a way to develop yourself.   I'm going to as well.


P.S.  As a final note...The best thing about being in a relationship is the fact that you have someone to talk to at any point in time.  I mean, I’m sure sometimes our minds wander while the other person is talking, but for the most part it’s fairly awesome to be able to rest beside someone and be completely at ease and content.  Peace.

so frustrated!

You know how you know you're acting crazy?  Or you know you're overreacting or being hyper- sensitive?  Well, I've had that sensation for the past few weeks but can't seem to do anything about it.  It might be the settling into the routine of having a special Person in my life, but I feel more nutty now than I ever have.


Well, that's not really true...


When we first started hanging out, seeing each other, it was only a weekend thing, so I lived for each Saturday night or Sunday night when we'd see each other for the first time in 6-7 days.  It was hard...really hard, because I was unsure of how he felt about me and eventually that came to a head, we talked about we wanted and what we were open for... and actually, thinking about that, we had to have that discussion a few times, each time being more open and honest about how we felt.


I was convinced during those days of ups-and-downs/are-we/aren't-we that if I could only get on more solid footing, I would be completely at ease and happy with my relationships. 


Here we are, still together over six months later and I do feel a bit more steady in footing regarding our relationship, but it seems like every time we have a bit of a disagreement, I immediately assume we're going to break up.  It feels like every moment takes us closer to the end.


Part of it, I think, comes from feeling the pressure of having people being negative about us.  I know that my parents don't approve of what I've been doing and that kinda hangs over me and makes me think that they might be right... and self-fulfilled prophecies... it will happen if I keep thinking and acting like it will.


Anyway, as I said, we're still together all this time later, partially I believe because we're so well suited for each other, complimentary in almost every way... I freak out, he calms me down.  He doubts his talent, I reassure him... We heal each other as we go along, but we also hurt each other, and I guess that's the new thing that we're going through:  the fact that even though we made promises that we would never hurt each other, we are and we do.


Learning to live with that fact--that we will inevitably hurt the people we love--is hard, because it's rarely something we consciously choose to do.  Mostly it's a communication problem, something said that hurts... And off we go into a spiral of upset and crying. 


I thought that I would get used to the way we were, settle down and settle in, content and happy with the way we are.  The fact is--we're never going to be just one way.  There will always be change and growth (thank goodness, keeps us from getting bored) and I have to find a way to live with that.


I'm frustrated at myself, for overreacting to situations, to worrying and being concerned, to always thinking negatively.
I wish I could open up my brain, tweak it and then close it back up.  


Oh well.

In more news:


Licorice gnawed on the coffee table table.  Damn animals.  I hate that they're so cute.  I also hope this doesn't signify house anxiety or something. 


Here's a pic of it (kinda hard to see though...)

And, I got new glasses!  I feel kinda meh about them right now because they're so different from my old ones.  


Old ones

New ones:

Also, I ate only toast for supper and then some ice cream.  I feel fat.  


Peace.

Hmm

Sometimes I sit and think about the life I could be, maybe SHOULD be leading, I consider the ups and downs of what it was like before I chose to pursue this relationship with Matt, and I wonder to myself,
'Am I worse off than I was before?'
But the fact is, I can hardly remember "before" Matt.  I can't think of what I used to do.  I know it had something to do with sitting around watching True Blood and other such trashy shows, going for runs (far more frequently than I do now) and spending lots of time with friends and reading books at Chapters.  However, it seems so much fuller (and overwhelming) now.


Now I have someone to come home and talk with, to sit and hold or be held, to comfort and to comfort me. I have this amazing guy who is so thoughtful, he puts together my dining room table, does my dishes, walks my dog and considers me to be a beautiful person.


It's not about what my life could be or what it should be.  It's what it IS, and what it is right now is...wonderful.  Oh so wonderful.


Wonderful in the following ways (as I am now determined to make positive Lists--how I love Lists--to keep me joyful and thankful):

• A wonderful dog is who quickly learning how to come when called even once off leash!  (All thanks to Matthew and the amount of time he spends with Licorice.)
• Mosquito bites...even though they're itchy and red, they remind me that it's summer!  Yay!
• A new dining room table that I got for a great price off of Kijiji!  Woot for bargains and for having a table to eat on.  Now we just need chairs.
• The prospect of camping with some wonderful folks in August.
• A jug of cold water waiting in the fridge for me.
• Work which means money, even though it sucks sometimes.
• Six months!   Hitting the six month mark and realizing that love is difficult but real...and I love him so much.  

Leaving you with this beautiful song (and hoping you are thinking of things you're grateful for as well):










Love and peace to all.

back!

I've been frightfully remiss with my blogging as of late. The only pathetic excuse that I can offer is simply that my life has been too busy, but that's not completely true. I spend time laying about, daydreaming, contemplating all the things I should be doing and am not doing. It's a frightful cycle.

Also, there's that little thing of having a boyfriend, a Person, a partner, a lover, a friend... There's such a comfortable intimacy between us now, all those spaces filled with love, the whispers of comfort and love. I can't begin to boast of my lover's kindness and gentleness, his sadness when he disappoints me or unintentionally hurts me, the thoughtfulness he displays... It's easy to feel that one gives more, but when I truly sit and think about the person he is, I know that he gives and goes above and beyond for me, just as (I hope) I do for him.

Is that what relationships are based on? I guess the equality of feelings, the desire to commit and make things work...I don't think you can put your finger on one quality that will fix a relationship or will guarantee it's longevity...it's a combination of virtues that cause relationships to grow or to die.

Anyway, it's ridiculously humid out, where isn't Canada supposed to be the land of cool and ice? The perspiration, beads of sweat and general feeling of griminess is truly disgusting so I'm trying to move as little as possible and drink water, lots of cold water.

Hope all is well with you, my dear readers. Much peace.