When life gives you lemons...

Today sucked.  Let me summarize:

My skin has been breaking out like a pre-pubescent teenager.  There are bright red spots on my neck, the left side of my mouth/chin, my jaw line.  I thought when I was a teenager that growing older would solve my acne problems--you don't see many adults with blemishes--but apparently that is not so.  I'm 26 years old and I still get acne every month around menstruation.

And while speaking of menstruation, how much does it suck?  I mean, it always is crappy no matter how you look at it, but sometimes it feels like the bouts of PMS are so much stronger than usual.  On Sunday, I believe, I sobbed into Matt's shoulder over some ridiculous little thing that made me upset (I can't even remember what it was) and apologetically cried, "I'm s-s-s-SORRRYYYY!!! I'm P-P-PMSing!!!!"  It's the worse; when I think of it, the PMS is worse than the actual period most of the time.

Cell phone in toilet!  How does it even happen and how often does it happen??  I was going into the washroom, carrying my cell phone in my hand and somehow it slipped out of my hand and of course, managed to fall straight into the toilet bowl.  I snatched it out instantly with my ninja reflexes, I stood and yelled "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!"  and then ran to the kitchen to immediately stuff it into a container of rice.

How am I supposed to survive without a cell phone, especially considering I still don't have a home computer?  I miss that window to the outside world.  I am immensely grateful for this little Apple laptop that Matt's family has been letting us use, but it's not the same as having my own computer that stores all my pictures and music.   I miss music.

Colds and sore throats.  Waking up in the morning with a scratchy throat that feels like it's been shredded with a grater sucks.  I don't handle being sick very well, probably because I rarely get sick so I turn into a self-pitying blubbering mess.   Matt is really the best boyfriend.  He puts his arm around me, wraps his legs around my legs, rubs my back and asks me what he can get for me.

And I enjoyed a quiet evening with my two sisters, watching Get Smart, eating brownies and drinking tea... I have also started sketching/drawing again, although I'm nowhere near artistic or talented.  It's a lot of trial and error, trying over and over again to get the right proportions and shading.

I shall return to Gilmore Girls and consider how God does not want me to be reliant on technology.  I don't have a cell phone or computer and I feel surprisingly...calm about it... As Matt said, these are just things and not all that life consists of.

Constantly learning to be calm and accept these difficulties one step at a time. 

Blessings. 
 

Thankful for...

As summer comes to a close this Friday (it's officially autumn on September 23), I ponder the past summer, all the experiences I had and memories I made, people I spent time with and people I missed...and I feel a rush of gratitude to God and the universe for all of it, including--

A fun few days of camping.  The weather was wonderful, we didn't get eaten alive my mosquitoes, we picked up several items for ridiculously cheap at a Sally Ann, Licorice was fine without us, we learned that we can get along even when stuck together for several days on end and...sex in a tent.  Need I say more?

Licorice's cute little quirks.  As time passes, Mr. Greyhound becomes more and more outgoing and I can see his personality shining through.  He carries about his stuffed animals like little babies, although tearing them apart and shaking them violently probably isn't great parenting.  He enjoys his time at the dog park still, is becoming very good at recall (for those who don't know these terms--coming back to owner when called off-leash), his new dog food is agreeing with him and his coat looks great...all these things make me relieved as it's easy to get stuck with a dog that is difficult to manage.  I'm already craving another grey to make a pair, but I'm scared that the next dog won't be a walk in the park as Licorice has been.

Cooking!  I've just rediscovered my love for cooking, healthy and hearty meals such as stews, soups, fish...My personal fav was cornmeal breaded chicken breasts stuffed with jalapeno Havarti cheese.  It's also great to save money by eating out less and I definitely feel healthier. 

Farmer's Market!  This is of course directly linked to cooking, but I've fallen in love with going to the farmer's market downtown and buying fresh produce!  I love having veggies in the fridge that aren't frozen or canned!  I probably use fresh onions every single day, especially with my favourite meal...omelets.

Omelets... I'm so grateful for omelets.  They're tasty and easy to change up.  I've made omelets with assorted veggies, meats, toppings...name it and we've made it!  I still need to purchase an authentic omelet pan (making the flipping over easier) but I'm still loving on making omelets.  Such delicious and wholesome foods :D

Matt. Well, when you get into a relationship, you inevitably tend to become a bit obsessed with the person you're with.  I've been through that with Matt, am still somewhat going through it although I try not to talk about him a lot to people... so here it is in my blog which you are reading right now and can't STOP READING! Haha!  I just love this man so much. 
He's taught me so many things about myself and continues to grow and change with me.  He's willing to sacrifice for the sake of our relationship, he cooks and cleans, he encourages me to pursue my dreams and faith... I know I've talked about him a lot on this blog (due to avoiding boring people with accolades of him) and I just can't stop!  I'm so happy, so grateful, so blessed...that the first person I'm in a relationship with is someone like Matt. 

Sex.  Heh.  Sex is awesome, especially with someone you love and who loves you back. 

Bon Iver.   I love him and I love his new CD "Bon Iver".  Go buy it and support an artist.  You will love it especially if you lean towards folk/indie music.



This is all for now!  I could list many more things that I am grateful for... Instead I'll hold them inside and treasure each memory I have made this summer. 

Be thankful, be blessed.

P.S.  Meeting alone with my dad next week, he says just to catch up.  Translation: wants to ask if I still believe in God, wants to know how I'm sinning, wants me to somehow justify my lifestyle choices to him.  I refuse to participate in a debate about whether I'm a Christian or not, and I feel weird about not wanting to meet with him.  Do I somehow feel guilty about my relationship choices?  Well... perhaps a bit because it's so ingrained and I would like to avoid confrontation...
Ah well.  Such is life in Christian circles.

August/September Reads

As promised!  A small list of books I've read these past couples of weeks.

Transgression by James W. Nichol.
Written by a Canadian author, I was delighted to find casual references to Hamilton and the Royal Hamilton Light Infantry.  The story narrates the life of a young girl in France during Occupation (WWII) and a policeman in Canada who finds a gruesome corpse.  Eventually the novel culminates in a connecting of both separate plots and characters to it's climax.

A note:  The novel played out well;  it was an enjoyable read.  However, I felt that the beginning to middle was a fairly slow read, while the ending was far too rushed!  I wish the author has drawn out the final moments and explanation a bit more.

Dead In The Family by Charlaine Harris.
I believe the ninth novel in the Sookie Stackhouse (True Blood) series, I read this in about three days.  It's nothing spectacular, but if you're addicted to the series it's obviously a must read.  Personally, after finishing the book today, I discovered during the second last chapter that I really don't care for Sookie (the main protagonist) at all.  In fact, I believe I would probably enjoy the series so much more if she wasn't in it.  Her character has been poorly crafted, not very easy to relate or feel sympathy for.   None of the series are particularly well written though, so I was fortunately not expecting much this book;  just the normal popcorn fluff from Harris.

Memory Keeper's Daughter by Kim Edwards.

Of the all the books I read recently, this was easily my favourite and most devastating.  A fiction novel written by Kim Edwards, the tale is told of an orthopedic doctor who is forced to deliver his wife's baby on a cold January evening.  The child is born--a healthy baby boy-- but the doctor is astonished to find his wife was pregnant with twins and the second baby--a daughter--has the clear traits of Down's Syndrome.   He makes a swift decision to spare his wife the agony and sadness of having a child afflicted with physical and mental disabilities and he instructs the attending nurse to take the child away and admit her into a home for disable infants, while telling his wife her daughter died during child birth.
The entire novel expands on how lies affect the ones we love, the people around us.  Walls grow between the family that is never quite right after that fateful night and eventually the story come around to a tale of sadness but bittersweet redemption. I  highly recommend this novel...it is gripping.  It aptly describes human nature, all the feelings we have but seem ineffable.   Please read!!

That's all for now!  I'll update when I remember the other novels I read!

scatterings of thoughts

Hey world,

I'm stuck at work today for another hour and seven minutes.  Tonight is the fabulous SuperCrawl on James St. which I am very much looking forward to.  There's something so pleasing about being able to walk down the middle of a street that is normally flooded with vehicles...blocked off streets make me ridiculously happy.

Last night I had another volley of discussions with M. that led to more openness and understanding between us.  Even though I get impatient and angry that he can't read my mind and say exactly what I need to hear, after each and every one of these disagreements, I find myself happier and more settled, usually having learned one thing about him and one more thing about me... our motivations, our philosophies, our hopes and dreams together and separate...

One of the biggest concerns I have is being with someone who has no personal sense of faith or belief system.  Relativism may seem as though it leads to a happier and more understanding world, but in a way it also opens a door for a severe lack of morals and then in time a lack of order and justice in a wayward society.  I need to be with someone who may not believe the exact same thing as me, but at least has some type of strong belief. 

I realized after our talk that my demands and my feelings are selfish in a way, because I'm only considering what I want from M., what I expect him to tell me.  There was no part of me that tried to understand how afloat he must feel at times, while he attempts to find something to believe in.  In other words:  I find that I lack compassion and understanding when it comes to allowing people to express their feelings and find their way through life.  I'm very demanding at times and want everything to work out as I believe it should.

The more we talk, the more we learn.  I'm slowly becoming more and more aware of character traits and thoughts that I have which aren't positive and tear down instead of build up.  I think it's occasionally because I'm so tired of being the person who has to lay out my morals and ethics and hope that he follows along.  I want someone to tell me what the right thing is to do at times. 

Anyway, after we sat in silence at the very later supper table, he rolled on his chair over to me (we really need to get legit dining room chairs, not these castered computer chairs) and said, "Do you still love me?" with a hint of fear and hope intermingled in his voice.

It was exactly what I needed to hear... The question that he feared would be answered negatively, hoped would be answered positively.  Of course, of course, I still love him.  Even though we disagree or argue about theology or drugs or motivations or social norms, I still love him.   I am coming to understand that love is choosing to be there for him and choosing to stick out the arguments even when things seem dire. 

I talk a lot of my relationship because I worry about it a lot.  Generalized anxiety... The social worker diagnosed me with that on Thursday and gave me a couple assignments to do for our next session in three weeks.  She hopes to show me how to get that anxiety under control, by recording moments when I feel anxious and what I do to talk myself down from it. 

And now, I just feel tired and my hair is exceptionally curly/frizzy today.  I feel calm when I think about M. and the life we have together... It's a whirlwind, a rollercoaster ride, a breath catching string of moments...

and now, briefly

I still am chugging along without having a personal computer at home.  I deeply miss my desktop, which was invaluable for downloading a various assortment of things including the weekly episodes of True Blood.  There's something odd about using another person's computer, even if it's a boyfriend's family laptop.  I wonder if he feels the same way when he uses mine for his work.  Er, feLT the same way when he usED my computer.  It's sitting forlornly, disconnected from a power source... My poor computer.  Yes, I am clearly still mourning my loss. 

The past few days have been tiring.  For one, there has literally been a lack of sleep and secondly, on going issues that I have been facing and dealing with have taken up much of my energies.  Tomorrow I have an appointment booked with a social worker/counselor as per request of my family doctor.  It's nice that he is allotted a certain amount of hours of from OHIP to spend on a social work.  Mental stability and health is as important as physical...those two go hand-in-hand.  Anyway, he asked that I talk to a social worker about the family situation I currently have, thinking it might help me to hear some unbiased opinions and thoughts.

Yes, I feel nervous about it.  No one looks forward to baring their souls about their feelings and their issues, especially not to someone they don't even know.  The biggest concern I have is sounding like a self-pitying twat when I discuss my concerns and anxiety that I seem to carry about with me.

Today there was some sense of impending doom and anxiety again.  I've noticed that it normally follows on the heels of disagreements I have with M.  It's somewhat ridiculous how I manage to convince myself after even the smallest disagreement with him that he is going to break up with me.  He constantly has to reassure me that he loves me and isn't going anywhere.  Poor guy.  

I should be tacking on photos or music reviews to this entry, but all my photos and subsequent thoughts are caught on the damn hard drive that needs repair.  I read a couple books recently that I'll to give my two cents on in the next entry.  Stay tuned, kiddikins.

Finally, I realized today that it's been 10 years since Bapa passed away.  I was only 16 when he went on and so we didn't talk that much or get to know each other very well.  Like so many people who have regrets, I wish I had been able to talk to him more, I wish that my parents had taken us to visit them more frequently...  I keep planning to go spend a weekend with my grandma in Guelph but so many things come up each weekend.  10 years ago Bapa died and 3 days later the tragedy of 9/11 rocked the world.  It was an odd feeling, suffering through a personal loss and then recognizing that feelings of loss and grief are world-wide, affecting everyone everywhere.

It makes you feel small, opens your eyes to the sadness and grief that covers this world.  For some reason it reminds me of a passage in the Bible when Jesus is riding into Jerusalem on what is now known as Palm Sunday.  He pauses at the top of the hills that surround Jerusalem and he starts weeping... "Jerusalem, oh Jerusalem, how I have longer to gather you to me...but you would not have me..."


Random thoughts. 
 

learning, learning

I realized I struggle with the guideline of what is considered "normal" or permissible in relation to the physical contact my significant other may have with other ladies.

The inherent belief that it isn't normal or right to physically embrace one of the other opposite sex is perhaps so deeply ingrained in me due to my parent's belief system.  I very rarely saw my father embrace another woman, choosing to maintain his distance physically from them in order to avoid any possible snafu's that may have ensued. 

There was one lady who attended my parent's church and she was such a wonderful and strong personality;  she had zero qualms about grabbing men and hugging them in a strictly platonic manner, and usually in front of her spouse.  It never appeared to bother him although my dad was initially uncomfortable with the encircling, most likely because my parents have always been so strict with physical boundaries.  (Eventually he grew used to it and would chuckle would talking about R.  She was that amusing and joyous in personality, no one could remain disgruntled by her expressions of friendly love via physical touch.)

One incident occurred that reminded me of how strict my parents have been.  My younger brother (J.) was standing with his now ex-girlfriend V. on the driveway and they had their arms wrapped around each other in a long and hard bear hug.  It was in front of our entire family, nothing they were ashamed about, my parents were appalled and said that there was too much physical closeness in their relationship.  I guess for them, everything leads to sex, so avoiding physical intimacy before marriage is exceedingly important.

Back to the first paragraph of me struggling with accepting how my Person displays his affection or receives it from other ladies...
He was meeting someone to discuss tattoo designs and she walked up to him and they hugged each other, the moment lasting for about three seconds in total.  I wasn't jealous or angry or annoyed, just perplexed that someone else, another girl would be hugging my boyfriend in front of me.  It disagrees with every thing that I have been taught from childhood.

I guess in a weird way, I'm learning to be less possessive of him, although I wonder sometimes if that's a positive thing?  Is there anything wrong with some healthy possessiveness that doesn't present itself as full blown jealousy but simply the desire to have one's partner just to oneself?

Relationships bring up the strangest and deepest issues in oneself.   It's bizarre how all of my reasoning, motivations and learned behaviour affects my relationship or how I behave in it.  I've figured that I have to learn to be okay with him hugging whomever he wants and trust that he would never be unfaithful to me. (I'm not saying that hugging = infidelity for the record.)

Learning, learning, always learnings.  There's a reason, there's a reason.

Much love.

checking in

To all my lovely readers (if there are still any managing to make it through these tedious entries):

I have been, unfortunately, without a home computer for perhaps almost a week... I'm not exactly sure when the unfortunate day was that my computer ceased to function... All I know is that there is almost 500G on that now defunct hard drive that I am hoping *fingers crossed* I'll be able to access when I get a hard drive reader.

Also, I am now faced with the deliberation that inevitably accompanies choosing a new desktop.  I've had a laptop for a while and have decided that desktops are far more superior... Now the shopping that will commence.  Computers have changed so much since I bought my last one... I'm avidly reading and following different sales, hoping to pick up a cheap yet well functioning one somewhere.

Speaking of computers...

I visited the new Apple store in Mapleview Mall on Saturday.  To be honest, it wasn't that exciting.  I love iPods, but I'm really not a fan of Apple computers.  The PC is so much easier to understand and to navigate, mainly because I've grown up using them.  (Ironically, I'm borrowing M's family Apple laptop thing--I don't know the official name of it.) 

Anyway, the Apple stuff had an interesting set up with regards to the interactiveness people get to experience when browsing their products.  What other store allows you to surf the internet and access your email from their products?  I believe that is partially what makes the Apple stores such a novelty among consumers--they encourage consumers to test out their products and give them full rein of the store. Minus actually carrying unpaid products outside their doors:)

Hmm, what else would the great wide cyber world be interested in hearing?

The weather has grown much chillier very quickly.  Autumn seems to be coming in with a bang, although I believe it doesn't officially begin until the 20th or 21st.  I never know the days seasons change on and usually the change isn't confined to those specific days anyway.  One thing I am looking forward to is the winter...the beginning of winter, anyway.  February is usually the worst month of the year for me, but I am confident that I will find it easier to make it through with the help of my wonderful Person.  

It is an ineffable joy to be in a relationship, to have a special person in one's life, to know that someone cares and someone is thinking of you. I find such happiness in considering the fact that I belong to someone in a way and they belong to me...or at the very least, belong with me.  It's a heartening feeling, knowing I don't have to face the troubles and issues in this world alone, including the long, drawn out and dark days of February.

Second day in a row going for a run!  Even though I've had a cramp in my foot the entire day, I still managed to get a twenty minute run in.  It's a bit sad, considering that I used to run for an hour at the gym every other day, but hopefully this will be the start of that healthy lifestyle again. Everything comes in waves.

Sorry if this post was impossibly mediocre and bland.  Not much has been happening lately and I'm still shocked that August has come and gone, flown by so quickly, I barely remembered what happened. It's the strangest feeling, living in the moment, mainly because I've always been the person who attempts to anticipate anything life may throw my way.  The biggest life lesson I have learned since being in a relationship is that I can't control what happens in life and I will never be able to predict the roads and places life may take us.

It's all good.  Everyday we learn something new, we cherish our lives even more, we love the people around us to a deeper and strong extent.

The best to you.  Hopefully I'll have a new computer soon, to update more frequently from.