Let's Get Lost

"Lost" has such negative connotations. We don't want to admit that we're struggling, trying to find a path and even though we can get quite far off the beaten path, stopping to ask for directions or pausing to scan a map is somehow against our nature.

It's as though it's a sign of weakness to ask for help, to ask for pointers or directions. The idea of being lost in a cornfield creeps me out, the idea of wandering through a forest or a foreign city without any inherent sense of direction, without any natural compass bearings--that's scary.

It's difficult enough to admit that we're lost driving down a back road in northern Ontario. It's even more difficult to admit that we have no idea what we're doing with our lives, aimlessly wandering about trying to make sense of whatever we're doing, attempting to justify our actions and somehow figure out exactly what we should be doing, etching out a rough sketch of how we think our lives should look.

Strange how we always always always think that we have total grasp on what would be best for us in our lives. We think that we know what we need the most, we think we know how best to fill those needs.

Sometimes it seems to me that we're all thirsty for something, but we can't figure out how to quench the thirst. We try coffee, gatorade, tea, alcohol, water...but we're still left thirsty for something more, and it's frustrating because there's nothing worse than not being able to quench the parched and arid longings. We just want some relief from the desert that we're in...

Of course I speak for myself. I wander around, thrashing like a fish that has been hooked and is slowly being reeled in...I'm fighting against something, against this unseen force that draws me closer and pulls me in, but it's a losing battle. I want to run and run and run away from this, away from the chaos that's deep inside me, away from all these things, but I figure like trying to satisfy the thirst, running isn't going to help me. I stop to catch my breath and everything will flood back over me, realities suffocating me...

I love him and I find rest in him...I also find fear and mistrust, I find myself overwhelmed, I seek shelter from whatever this is but I go back for more and more, because I can't stop myself. I'm on this ride, it feels as though it's out of my control, like sand trickling through my fingers, like trying to catch a wave, grasping a cloud.

I lay on the bed beside him and stare at the ceiling, listening to him breathing beside me, feeling his warm body against mine, curled around me, intertwined around my heart and my passions. Restlessness overtakes me for a few minutes and I resist the urge to get up and run, because I'm so so so afraid. I'm so afraid that he'll walk out and never come back. I'm afraid he'll come back and tell me he can't do this. I'm afraid of life without him but I also face him and feel trepidation at the thought of him woven into my future.

"Relationships aren't easy." I've heard this over and over and over throughout my life. "You have to work at it" is another mantra that people seem to recite, as though attempting to assure themselves that hard work will soothe their issues they face together. I've always been of the mindset that love come softly and easily, like the breeze that came through the open window this morning, the balmy February weather as confusing as his kisses and his whispers of endearments.

I've never been a person to be driven by fear. I've never allowed it to creep in and take over. Fear has never dictated my actions and I refuse to allow it now. I'm a bit, no a lot, lost in this whole thing, confused by it, trying to make sense without stopping for direction. My navigational skills are completely useless when it comes to matters of the heart.

Sihaam sits down on the arm of the couch and looks over at me, across the room. She starts crying and runs her fingers anxiously through her hair. "I feel like every moment I spend with him might be the last moment and I keep thinking about that...the fact that we might not be together next week...I've wasted so much time arguing with him and being stupid...I wish I had treasured every moment we have had together..." She slides down the arm and sits on the couch, legs pulled up in a protective stance, knees under her chin.

You can't defend yourself from love. There is no armour that protects you from the storm inside you. All you can do is believe that in the midst of that storm, the person is standing with you, is in your boat, is your lighthouse through the rain and clouds...

Thunder and lightning are beautiful and scary and such is the definition of this confusing love. Be still my beating wings of flights and let fears be allayed. I might be lost but I'm at peace with that knowledge because I'm lost with the right person.

Song to download: Let's Get Lost by Beck and Bat For Lashes. Upped here.

We're all broken**

I think we're all walking around pretending that we're okay, facades covering our true natures, playing the game of life and acting like all is okay...when in truth, we're every single one of us hurting and broken from something or another that we've gone through in life.

I know these sentences probably don't make much sense. I went through a bit of a shaking up, a reality storm so to speak, yesterday and now I feel like there's no point in putting on a mask and faking it. Yeah, we're damaged. I carry baggage around with me no matter where I am or who I'm with...it's...life. It's part of what makes us who we are.

People around us--relationships we're in--they hurt us. It's inevitable and the sooner you accept that (even though I know that sounds so cynical), the happier you will be with life.

Strange how yesterday morning I was a different person than I am now. Not dramatically different, I haven't morphed into a completely altered person, but I definitely have been changed to some extent. That's what people you care about do to you...they change you, sometime for better and sometimes for worse.

I don't know what I'm saying right now. It's okay. We'll move along and take each moment as it comes. I'll hang on to whatever I can.

In that spirit:

moving on

Let there be ease, comfort and light.

Perhaps not ease just yet. Sihaam and I moved four car loads of stuff from the old apartment to the new last night. It was such a feeling of accomplishment when we stood in the hallway of the old apartment and looked at the blank white walls and the empty rooms, surrounded by memories.

She slid to the floor exhausted and played "Goodbye" by Plankeye on her iTouch while I leaned against the door jamb of what had been my bedroom for the past year and a half and thought of all the comings and goings that room has seen.

Me, by myself for the first year and such, crying the first night, alone in my apartment for the first time. Eventually adjusting to living a solitary life and spending time frolicking on the bed with Mr Cat, he joyfully attempting to catch my fingers as I play cat-and-mouse with him. The sunshine spilling in through the wide windows, waking up late on weekends during the summer and soaking in the warmth.

The tears of being alone, the sadness and fear while dealing with anxiety attacks...Buying more and more clothes, the room becoming stuffed full of dresses, shirts, pants...the whole nine yards.

And then thinking about the first night with this Guy, the second night...and so on. At first I counted each day and each time that we spent together, keeping a tally of how many times we've had sex, wanting to hang on to each and every moment we've had together. I'm more relaxed now, trusting that there will be more times together instead of constantly worrying that our tenth hang out will be our last. I couldn't tell you how many times we've kissed or touched or slept together and that makes me happy inside...the calmness over whatever we are.

One time we sat on the floor by the coffee table in the living room area and ate Chinese, watching a kids movie and laughing, drinking beer until I lay down on the ground and slowly drifted away from being so tired. We get up and go to bed, intertwined with each other.

And I remember that morning to clearly when we talked about our future or our lack of definition, crying and being so afraid to commit to anything...and the sushi night where I finally confronted my fears and told him how I felt...admitting that I had begun caring more than I should...sobbing into my pillow while he tried to put his arm around me, so unsure of what to do...

The bedroom, my old room, it never felt real, it was never serving it's purpose until I started sharing it with someone, even for just one night a week. That's when I truly started to feel alive, as though I have finally woken up...and I'm glad that I was able to leave the apartment with such happy and fresh memories of experiences that have changed me utterly.

For he is such an inherent part of my life now, as though we've known each other for years and years even though it hasn't been two months. A life without our friendship seems like such a strange concept and that feeling scares and moves me. We're...we are what we are...I hardly know how to explain it, but we relate to each other so deeply and I think with excitement of when I will see him next...

I love sitting beside him and holding his hand. I love how when I take my hand away or move away he reaches over and pulls me back to him. I love the physical comfort between us. I love when we just look at each other with understanding and affection. I love the talks and I love the long silent spaces in between.

Sihaam sits and thinks about her times with Eric...the apartment being the first place he told her that he loves her...their play fights, their movie nights, their make out sessions... It's so strange how our memories seem so physically bound up in places and spaces that we occupy. It's as though our milieu becomes so much a part of us, perhaps we leave behind wisps and ghosts of all those strong emotional connections, which whisper to the people that come behind us.

We shut off the hallway light and glance around the living room for the last night...it finally seems big enough when it's emptied of all our things. I remember sleep overs with the girls, the first time moving in, surfing the Internet, watching movies with people, tea parties, chasing Mr Cat around the apartment...Sihaam and I having a dance off in front of Eric...drinking nights with Dave, smoking with Gary and Doug...

I'm glad to move on to a new and bigger place, but I'll always have fond memories of that old apartment.

Bust Yo Ass

Another song to motivate you to get up and dance or work out!

Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.

-T.S. Elliot

Empty - Ray Lamontagne

I'm a bit, no a lot, in love with this song. Even though I've been listening to it for months now, we still have a romance.

You know how some songs evoke such powerful memories for oneself? That's exactly what this song does for me. I can lay on my bed listening to it and remember staring up through the roof of my tent, the stars undimmed by city lights. I remember the beach with the water washing up against the sand, a constant and peaceful rushing. I think of running at twilight, the city temporarily at peace with itself, the catastrophes and noises of the day fading during that almost magical moment between day and night.

I found a different fan mixed version that I like a bit better...substitutes violin synths over the harmonica.

I uploaded it to my Rapidshare account...you can snatch it here.

Much love.

overwhelmed

And the watch word of the day:


overwhelmed


I think that's the most apt description of how I have been feeling lately.
There's still boxes of books, movies, mementos, dishes...just things...at the old apartment. We have six days left to move everything and I'm working days straight this week. Sihaam and I constantly have conflicting schedules, so we never seem to be able to find a time where we can go back to the old place together and pack up a car load. I got a call from the old superintendent this past week, asking me when I was going to drop off the key...


...Um, when there's absolutely nothing left in the apartment...


Long awkward pause...Which reminds me, I still have to somehow take down the curtains that I hung up so long ago. And how will I do that without having anything to stand on and reach with? Sometimes I think I have a curse of doing things backward for whatever reason.


So there's that...general pressure while considering the sheer amount of items we still need to move. I kinda wonder how much we really need those things if we haven't missed them through this past week of living without...but we all have trappings and baggage that we carry around with us through life.


Speaking of baggage, it has become more and more apparent to me that personal issues I have are affecting the relationships that are in my life. I'm so mistrusting of people, questioning their motives, wondering if they're as transparent and honest as they appear to be, afraid that they're playing games with me. Most of the time, almost all the time actually, the people in these relationships (whether it's friendship, family, or non-platonic) haven't done anything to merit these suspicions I have of them. I simply find it difficult to relax and let go, to trust the people around me, believe that they won't intentionally hurt me, and allow things to happen...


Like I said, it's affected relationships I'm in, one in particular. I feel terrible because he's calm, relaxed, easy going, generally a righteous dude, and I'm crazy. I want more and more and more, probably more than I have a right to, and when he reasonably tries to explain that he's busy with work and can't spend time with me, I don't immediately think,
'I wish our work schedules coincided better'.

Being a crazy person, I think,
'He doesn't really want to see me and he's using work as an excuse to relegate me to a weekend relationship that doesn't infringe on his personal space because he doesn't want to let me fully into his life but at the same time he likes me so he's conflicted and isn't sure what to do yet he opts to put me on the back burner and doesn't care to prioritize me higher in his list of things to do or people to see and it's probably because I'm not good enough for him or don't interest him..."


And so it runs on and on, and yes I realize how counter productive and negative those thoughts. I guess I can't wrap my mind around this which is why I'm so overwhelmed, this being:


He likes me.


So we sit on his bed in his room and look at each other and I feel turmoil inside, growing and growing, restlessness and fear gnawing away at me, but mostly it's just that I'm overwhelmed with the strength of my feelings and with the concept that he likes me back. The fear seems to magnify and grow the more time that I spend with him, because the stakes are getting higher and higher. The more we get to know each other and appreciate each other, the more I care, the deeper the feelings grow, the more afraid I am that he'll disappear, walk out my door and never come back, get bored or annoyed with me...


I'm overwhelmed by it all. I can't compartmentalize like some people...I can't put him in a drawer in the back of mind and take a break from him. I'm trying to push this to be something, but I know it already is meaningful. What more do I want?


He knows, sitting across from me, that I'm struggling with something internally and he looks at me with concern in his eyes. I grow even more overwhelmed with the idea that he can already sense my moods, look into my eyes and see how I feel, read me like a book, and I'm scared, terrified, frightened, afraid, that he'll look deeper and deeper and then turn away and run, leave.


Fear is a dark abyss and it pulls you in.
"Don't be scared," he whispers gently, laying beside me on the bed. He touches his nose to mine and smiles, the corners of his eyes crinkling up.
He doesn't want me to be unhappy and he's unsure of what to do or say but he doesn't understand that I'm not unhappy. I'm so full of happiness and contentment when I'm with him that I feel as though I could explode like a firework and shoot across a deep velvety rich blue evening sky.


I'm happy, I'm overwhelmed by the happiness, I'm afraid it's going to disappear. All these things are so intrinsically interwoven, it feels impossible to pull the emotions apart and act independently of them. I guess all I can do is hope that he'll see past the craziness and know that he makes me happy and all I want is to be with him. We might speak different languages when we communicate...he might not understand that I want to see him more frequently because I'm afraid he'll forget me or I feel that he is distant...but regardless of all that, I know with true certainty that I'll sacrifice my ideals of what a relationship should consist of, I'll learn to be patient, I'll tamp down the emotions that seem to drive me...I'll try so hard because all I want is to be with him.


I'm overwhelmed.

I'll sing...

I'll sing to you of silver swans, of kingdoms and carillons

I'll sing of bodies intertwined underneath an innocent sky...

Never say never and other life surprises

Some people are just so anti-surprises. They like to know everything that comes at them, like to be able to predict the outcome of situations around, like to have handle on everything around them.

I guess I'm kinda like that in a way. I feel I have to know what's going to come my way, because somehow I think that will enable me to deal with the troubles and issues in a better manner. I convince myself that I won't be able to cope with whatever problems unless I can prepare for them.

But the truth is, I can't prepare myself for everything that life throws at me, and sometimes the best response is the unplanned one. Like at your birthday when none of your friends seem to care that you've turned a year older, but then you show up at a restaurant to meet one of them and one turns into four or five with helium balloons and a giant card. Those kind of things just bring so much happiness and clearly that level of happiness would be diminished if I knew ahead of time what was coming.

Why am I so reluctant to allow myself to live in and enjoy each moment then? Why are so many people like me? Why do we feel the need to control what happens around us or to us?

I'm slowly learning to let go and allow things to move cohesively and with the natural flow of life. Unless you're a planner like me, you have no idea how difficult it can be to change in this manner. I guess people are either really easy going and don't worry about life and the future, or they're uptight and anal retentive like me. Anyway, like I said, it's so hard for me to just be calm about people and situations around me. It's difficult for me to tamp down my feelings and keep words in my mouth. It's hard for me to let people into my life without any promises or guarantees from them.

But the pros outweigh the cons. The pros are meeting new people and experiencing things that would otherwise go missing. The cons are putting your heart on the line and possibly being rejected or left behind, but the pros! The pros are all consuming and make my heart flitter, my stomach dance restlessly, my brain wander off into stupors of memories and hopes.

Everything is life is a gamble, especially relationships. You never know what hand you'll get, what you'll play with or what you'll play against. Everything is a risk. The lack of predictability scares and excites me. I hope it reaches you too.

love, Valentine's Day, tears

I've been thinking about love quite frequently lately. I guess it's always one of those things swirling about at the back of my mind, permeating my subconscious, but recently I've been thinking about it more intentionally. I mean, we all love certain people in our lives and we find ways to express it to them. With Valentine's Day just passed (whether we choose to celebrate it or not), we guaranteed spent some time thinking about people in our lives who are special to us.

One of the things about love that I worry about is how sometimes it can just be emotion driven instead of a commitment and choice that we make. In fact, I would almost say that the only people in our lives who we will love regardless of whether we opt to or not is our family. Blood connections are just that deep...but other people who pass through our journey in life...to love them is a choice that we make on a daily basis, but perhaps that makes the love that much more special instead of denigrating it.

Anyway, that is my biggest concern: that my feelings dictate who I feel I love or care deeply about. I remember someone once telling me that emotions should be the caboose of our trains, not the engine. Our feelings shouldn't drive us, shouldn't lead us to make certain choices, but inevitably they will. That's what happens when you're human--you made stupid or great choices and sometimes it seems as though we're just tossing a coin in the air and watching it flip and fall back down, crossing our fingers and hoping for heads or tails.

I didn't get hung up on Valentine's Day at all this year. The day started out poorly with having to deal with a doctor's appointment that set me off on an crying spree. I wasn't even told any bad news--I just talked to my doctor about a few situations I went through in the summer and started crying in front of him. I cried when I walked out of the office, cried while sitting in my car in the parking lot. Cried driving to the Shopper's to get a script filled. Cried sitting in the parking lot at the Shopper's. Went back to the apartment, sat on this very chair and cried for at least an hour. My sister looked at me with some concern and stood leaning against the doorway jamb.

"PMS..." I said, which is actually true. I wish I could control my emotional response during that time but it's impossible. The hormones and the body just gets so messed up.

But the best part is yet to come, as with so many things in life. The day started out crappy with me feeling like I'm this temporary person who barely matters, and then after 9 pm, the person I needed to see the most, My Person knocked on my door, sat with me on the couch and watched episodes of The Office which cheered me up, held my hand and touched my cheek which made me feel beautiful, talked easily to my sister and her boyfriend, and later patiently let me cry and talk about how I felt without getting awkward or squirmy as so many guys will.

I guess his acceptance of me is what I cherish the most. His calm and balanced personality that brings me to reality, his smile which crinkles his eyes...

I hope whoever is reading this isn't vomiting from how sugary and sappy this entry is getting. All I'm trying to say is that love or even just like is a powerful thing. If only the entire world could get on board with the notion of loving or liking each other. Valentine's Day might be less abhorrent to certain individuals if love wasn't just considered a non-platonic thing. Who knows what this person will mean to me in a few weeks or a few months...I'll still have love in my life, from one person or another and that's what it's all about.

Love shouldn't be put in a box and defined as one precise thing. It's all around us, in us, we exude it, we need it, we give it and sometimes receiving it can be hard...but there it is. Happy belated Valentine's Day. I never thought a day I spent in tears would end so happily (and sexily but I'll just keep that part to myself).

Things I Miss

Some memories are so strong, you can't help reliving them in your mind over and over again. Not all those memories are happy ones, but for the most I think the times or things I miss the most are the pleasurable ones. So now, deep into winter with February inching by, I'm enjoying these thoughts of things past:

John Mayer, February 14, 2010


I didn't realize it's been almost a year since we've seen him in concert. Even though I appreciated Coldplay's performance much more, it was still a great experience to see Mayer playing. He truly is a spectacular musician/guitarist. Also, he's beautiful.
And speaking of Coldplay, I miss them too:

The beach.
I love the beach; I miss it.
The sound of the waves on the sand, the smell of sunscreen lotion and french fries, the light glimmering off the water, the feel of sand in your toes.
I love it all.

The brothers.
There's something comforting about having a brother around to talk to. They're protective, caring, they're insightful when it comes to understanding guys...generally they're easy going compared to girls, and they usually have their emotions under control. I miss having their unbiased opinions about things.

Summer--every single thing about it. The heat, the sun, the long days, the warm evenings, camping, sunscreen lotion, eating on patios, bathing in the warm sunshine, wearing flip flops and sun dresses, seeing the sunrise and sunset...
I cannot WAIT for summer.

This is self explanatory.

Moving/Packing.

I am going to kill myself.

The Unexpected

What is both surprising and frightening at the same time?

The unexpected.

One day you wake up and go out, thinking to yourself that today, this day will be like each and every other day you have lived. Nothing remarkable will stand out about it. Perhaps you'll laugh and you might cry before you sleep and pass into the future, but you don't expect that something will happen which just might turn your world upside down.

It might not even turn your world upside down. You might be the same person, not very altered from whatever you experience...or you might feel that you have completely changed, now existing as someone you barely recognize.

The fact is though--

the unexpected is intriguing and frightening.

I hardly know what I should expect or the way things will turn out. The road isn't clear. Who even knows what to want from life? How can I ask someone to feel a certain way or be a certain way when I don't even know how I want them to feel or be?

But this is for sure--

The unpredictability of life is what keeps it fresh and exciting. Instead of rotting away with the same routine and lifestyle over and over, the little moments that startle us awake...they're what should be treasured not cowered from.

You never know who you'll meet. You can never guess the people that might affect or impact your life. There is no way to know...no way to definitely predict what will happen to you, how someone else might touch and change your life...

I could dwell on the fear of what might happen. I could worry about being hurt or losing something that I care about. Or I could just accept that loss is a part of life, as breathing and existing.

Let's not be afraid together.