in love

I went and saw "Sucker Punch" last Friday with Matt. It was a fantastic movie although the ending left me feeling desolate and sad. A few tears trailed mournfully down my face as we sat through the credits and Matt leaned over and kissed them away.

He hates when I'm upset or sad. I try my best not to let my negative side shine through around him, because I think he blames himself or tries to fix something that can't be fixed by him. "I want you to be happy," he will say, as if he makes me unhappy which is the most ridiculous idea ever. All my issues are internal, brought upon myself by insecurities and needs. Needs that Matt can't fill--needs that no one can fill.

Doesn't it always come down to that? That we have personal issues and fights we struggle through that no one else can help us with and it's what makes or breaks us. Dealing with childhood issues or simply insecurities that we carry around with us, worry that we won't be good enough, fears that we'll fail at whatever we set our hand to do... Ultimately it's up to us to address those issues and deal with them in whatever manner we may.

No person can save us. God can save us but He has yet to save me or to show me what to do. A part of me thinks with cowardice that I should give up on Matt, let him float on past me along with all other life experiences that gone on by, but another part loves him so deeply and strongly, so much love that it overwhelms and frightens me. I sit in this computer chair, feel a bit dizzy and think about sitting beside Matt in the booth at Montana's, watching him draw a dragonfly neatly and quickly, sinking into a lull of sleep comforted by his warm body next to mine.

I lay beside him on the bed, under him on the bed, on top of him on the bed and I wonder how much we sacrifice to be with the people we love. I stare far away at the ceiling and he asks me what I'm thinking about because he knows there's some internal struggle happening.
"I'm thinking...how I would never have expected to end up with someone like you..." I say slowly. "A tattoo artist who smokes pot..."
"Did you think you'd be with someone from your church?" he asks softly and that's the realization and truth that I've been facing.

I DID think I would somehow end up with a devoutly Christian guy who would help me become a better person, steer me to being a stronger Christian. Instead I drive to the movie theatre with this guy beside me in the passenger seat, idly smoking a joint, hanging his hand languidly out the window and smiling fondly at me, holding my hand and rubbing my palm.

Like I said, it's been weird thinking about how life does not turn out the way you expect it to. Of course we make choices and go down paths that we believe are the right ones for us, but then again, if God hadn't wanted me to meet Matt why did He allow our paths to cross on January 8? Was it a test that I failed miserably?

Some of my friends say that I should just relax and enjoy the ride, have a good time with him and make the best of life. Sihaam disagrees with that sentiment because as she points out so wisely, we'll never be that type of person. Mom and Dad have taught us that every decision we make has repercussions and a deeper meaning...nothing is done lightly or without weighing the morals and principles of the situation.

The relationship I have with him is not just fun. I mean, it is fun, he makes me laugh and smile, I absolutely love spending time with him, but it's not just that. It's so much deeper than the occasional fit of giggles. I feel like our souls connect as we lay side by side on my bed, looking into each others eyes.

"What are you looking at?" I ask him with some insecurity, aware of my ratty hair and blotchy morning face, as he stares at me from his pillow.
"I'm looking at the girl I'm in love with," he says and smiles.
Clarity sets in. I might not always be strong. I might become afraid and draw away from him or try to avoid addressing what we really are, but the fact is...

I love him. It's that simple and not easy to explain why. I could make a list of things I love about him, qualities I appreciate, traits I love, the way he makes me feel...but when it comes down to it, the reason why we love certain people is undefinable. The soul connecting bit, two personalities meshing well, seeing something in someone that no one else has noticed... Any of those things. Does it really matter why? It seems to me that what matters is the fact that we do have those feelings and how we choose to act on them.

I hope that you, whoever you are reading this, I hope you have that realization as well... Defining love, attempting to understand relationships--it only gets you so far. What matters is living it out. Allow yourself to be open and vulnerable, whether that means crying in the car after hearing some potentially frustrating news, or laying naked side by side and embracing each others entire bodies, or discussing personal spiritual beliefs, talking about fears that lurk in the back of our minds...

Life isn't worth living if you don't let yourself love and even more difficult at times, if you don't allow yourself to be loved. Peace.

A new dog and a new realization

I adopted a greyhound this past Sunday and the adjustment time has been...well...exhausting and a bit stressful. I already have stomach/digestive issues and the stress over being woken up multiple times overnight by a whining and scared dog isn't helping.

However, despite all the issues that come with acclimating a dog to a brand new environment--peeing in the front hallway is never cool, Mr Dog--I'm still very much enjoying having a larger animal around the apartment. He pads about, following me from the living room to the kitchen to the bathroom to the bedroom and back to the living room. When I settle in one spot he wanders for a bit and then eventually sighs and lays down near me.

So right now I feel completely exhausted. You know the exhaustion that almost seems to pervade your soul and spirit, right down to your inner core? That's how I feel. I feel like I could collapse and sleep for hours and hours on end, but at 7:30 the whining and pacing starts and it's up and outside for the both of us!

Last night I expected to collapse from being so tired. At bedtime I put the dog in his crate and crawled into bed, waiting for sleep to carry me away. I was almost excited to sleep. I was so sure I was going to have the deepest sleep ever!

After half an hour of laying there I had this feeling that something was missing. The front door was locked. The dog was in his crate. Mr Cat had been fed. Sihaam was sleeping in the next bedroom. What was missing?

The feet that touch mine through the night, the hand that I like to fall asleep holding, the breathing sounds from his side of the bed and falling asleep hearing his voice talking to me about a piece of trivia he learned during the week.

Desolation crept in at that realization. I miss him. Even though I had seen him the morning before, I already miss him and it scares me how much. I can't even tell you if it's a need or a want...probably a mix of both. I need and want to see him and be with him. I want to hear his laugh and see his eyes crinkle. I need him beside me when I'm falling asleep.

I hope the want and need doesn't scare him or make him feel like he has to be someone or something that he isn't. We can't complete each other fully no matter how hard we try...but I do know that when he's sleeping beside me, I feel so peaceful and safe. I feel safe.

Such is love. Binding us together in the strangest and deepest ways, intertwined so closely with desire and need.

I want to tell all my friends that I'm with the most amazing guy. The guy who clears the dishes off the coffee table when we're done eating. The guy who kisses me on the forehead and tells me I look beautiful when I'm peeing on the toilet. The guy who tears up a bit when he talks about how much I mean to him. The guy who texts me and asks me to stargaze with him. The guy who somehow knows how I feel even if I don't say anything.

I wonder how I got so lucky and it makes me nervous.

I leave you with a picture of the new dog




and hopefully I'll have left you with even the smallest idea of how amazingly awesome and [wordsfailme] my Person is.

Impatience = loneliness

I'm not a patient person. I never have been. As a child I found the punishment of standing in the corner the most excruciating of all. My sister could stand there and day dream for extended periods of time, lost in her own fantasy world. I would trace the pattern of the linoleum with my toes--I still remember the strange squares of brown, red and beige--and jiggle my feet. Nothing was worse than having to stare at the wall or the ground and wait for the minutes to tick by until I was released from the kitchen corner and my punishment for slapping my brother or being rude to my mom.

Sadly, all those moments in the corner that were supposed to teach me patience did nothing for me. I still stand in long lines at stores and find my annoyance growing rapidly. Working at Second Cup, nothing irked me more than people who insisted on counting out very specific change for their coffee, right down to the last penny. When I make plans with people, I expect them arrive on time because my parents taught me that being late was disrespectful to the person you were meeting. I wait impatiently for people to show up for outings we've planned while thoughts like 'I would never do this to them' float through my head.

The greatest lesson I've learned in the past few months has been patience. I've learned to wait with calm and understanding when people inevitably show up late at my apartment. I've learned that life isn't always about exact times or dates. I've learned that we all have different views on what is important and what is lower on said importance scale. I've learned that not everyone holds punctuality in such high regard as I do. I've even let myself slip and have shown up "fashionably late" places. It's almost freeing to let myself relax and be less retentive about such things.

But at the same time, sometimes I feel like I still care more and I'm making more of an effort than other people. Even though I've outwardly mastered the ability to remain nonchalant, inside I often feel a storm of annoyance and frustration, that I'm the person who cares so much or tries so hard while other people just float by on the lazy river of life.

I guess what I'm admitting is that I feel so alone sometimes--alone in my frustrations, alone in my view of what a relationship entails, alone walking down the street and listening to music. Loneliness isn't always a bad thing, but feeling alone when there are people around you is. Why do we feel so isolated sometimes? Shouldn't the people in our lives somehow bridge that darkness?

Does my impatience = loneliness? Sometimes.

Do my feeling and emotions run a bit out of a control at times? For sure they do.

Is it all my fault that I feel this way? That's the question I'm trying to answer. Should I constantly be changing my principles and sacrificing my ideals to fit into a situation better? Am I becoming a better person as I change or am I simply pushing who I am to the back, suppressing myself to please others?

Thoughts, thoughts.

Science Fiction vs. Fantasy and Life Lessons

I've always wondered what the definable difference between science fiction and fantasy is.

Growing up all I knew was that Star Wars was sci-fi and Lord Of The Rings was fantasy. I could never figure out what made the difference between those two, but I guessed it had something to do with the fact that sci-fi generally seemed more about technically propelled concepts and ideas like space ships, holograms, robots, droids and other such things. Now that I think about it, if that's the way I define sci-fi, the James Bond series definitely has some sci-fi elements to it. A car that can completely cloak itself? I don't believe such a thing exists...

So I decided while bored at work tonight to Google what people considered sci-fi and fantasy. I found this quote:

Science fiction consists of improbable possibilities, fantasy of plausible impossibilities.

*boom* Brain explodes and rains down all over my desk and keyboard. I'm not very good at understanding technical discussions.

An easier explanation of it:

Science fiction and fantasy stories are make-believe tales. Fantasy stories are unlikely tales that have strange or imagined characters, places, or events. Science fiction stories are about life in the future or life on other planets.

Ahhhh. *relieved sigh* My brain cells trickle back into my head.
That's the difference between sci-fi and fantasy that I inherently understood but was unable to place my finger on. James Bond is probably considered to be in the "action" genre, with elements of sci-fi peppered through it. I've noticed that the most recent movies with Daniel Craig (*drool*) have more probable gadgets given to him. Nothing as outlandish (or interesting) as some of the devices used in the older movies.

And of course, I cannot mention Daniel Craig without an little homage to him:

Thank God for beautiful people. I mean, we're all fairly beautiful in unique and special ways, but he really does WIN.

Speaking of "winning"...how messed has Charlie Sheen been lately? Is it all a game to woo publicity and get the attention of the world? Or is he actually suffering through some schizophrenic-like issues? Whatever the case may be, a Charlie Sheen reality show will probably end up gracing our tv sets as we continue to obsess and track every move of celebrities that we love to hate and hate to love. And dammit, I'm talking about Charlie Sheen! This is exactly what he wants! I told myself I wasn't going to sink to this level...

I've gone way off the beaten track. My thoughts about sci-fi vs. fantasy began when I started making a list of favourite sci-fi movies. So here it is:

• Minority Report
• Equilibrium
• X-Men
• Signs
• I, Robot
• The Island
• Serenity
• War Of The Worlds
• V For Vendetta
• Cloverfield
• Inception
• Watchmen

My friend contested X-Men, questioning it's validity as a sci-fi movie which is what prompted the discussion and research into what really makes a movie science fiction.

Considering the list, I realize that some of my favourite movie quotes are from the movies listed above.

"You have a choice." -Minority Report

"But I, being poor, have only my dreams. I have spread my dreams under your feet; tread softly, for you tread on my dreams." -Equilibrium

"You're waiting for a train. A train that will take you far away. You know where you hope the train will take you, but you can't be sure. But it doesn't matter because we'll be together." -Inception

"I live my life free of compromise, and step into the shadows without complaint or regret." - Watchmen

" No. Not even in the face of Armageddon. Never compromise." - Watchmen

I could go on and on, but I'll leave it there. When you think about it, it's strange and intriguing that movie which focus on a futuristic existence still manage to strike a chord in the human psyche and heart. Whether we're living in a bubble or shifting through time or having a robot make us breakfast, we're all the same underneath. Our human characteristics, attributes, flaws...they're reflected even in the "improbable possibilities".

I like that concept. I like that our humanity chases us down, no matter how robotic or inhuman we might visualize our world to be or even hope for.

What I like even more than contemplating feelings and emotions is waking up to sunshine trying to force it's way past my black curtains into my room. A little breeze moves the curtains around and he stirs beside me in bed, rolling over and putting his arms around me. There is such security and comfort in him being there, in his kisses and little endearments, and he patiently reassures my fearful heart that he will be back the next night and the weekend after, the following weekend and even the weekend after that.

"I'm not leaving you," he says and kisses me gently. I look into his eyes and see honesty and love...love that is overwhelming and undeserved, love that startles me to tears so frequently and that scares me. What ifs can crowd my mind and leave me concerned that I'll be reckless and hurt him, that I'll bore him, that one of us will love more than the other, that I'll ultimately disappoint him somehow...

Fear is always lurking but it's wrong and I'm slowly learning to challenge it.

"Do not be afraid of death...be afraid of the unlived life..."

Lent, God & faith

"Becoming by grace what God is by nature..." -St Athanasius

Lent is a Catholic tradition/ritual that has crossed over to other denominations. Even though I don't celebrate the Catholic faith (salvation by works is a daunting belief), I do enjoy the period of self sacrifice and fasting from some type of activity or enjoyment. The word "lent" comes a Germanic word for "springtime" and that's an interesting way to view the weeks leading up to Easter--as a time for a type of spiritual spring cleaning...fasting from the things that might clutter up your faith or your belief system.

The idea of becoming more godly (or Godlike) is an intriguing concept as well. How much do I even know or understand God? I do believe that He exists but how I personally interact with Him is a different discussion. What does it mean to me to become more godly?

Ultimately I think it comes down to self renewal and growth. It's a time for one to look at their life and assess habits or attitudes that might stand in the way of said growth and change, which is why it's usually a good idea to sacrifice something that could be considered a vice or a negative habit in ones life.

Anyway, this Lent I've decided to give up desserts. It's a tough call because there's nothing like going out for a slice of cake with friends or snacking on cookies. In some ways I feel like I pussied out because I should have given up something that would be much more difficult to do without--listening to music, for example. Or no Internet.

I wonder sometimes how much my faith is one of convenience...and I wonder how this convenience has compromised the authenticity of it. Shouldn't devout Christians be willing to give up everything for the God that they worship and love?

I guess we're all in development, constantly being perfected and growing, and I think it would be good for everyone to go through this type of self examination... We can get too comfortable with the way that we are and close ourselves off to changing.

But hey, those are just my random thoughts of the day. That and--my sister broke up with her boyfriend yesterday afternoon. I came home from work to a dark apartment, her curled up in a fetal position in bed, Mr. Cat awkwardly sitting outside her door as if waiting for me to come home and talk to her.

"How did it go?" I ask, standing at the end of her bed.
"Hard," she says. "It was hard to see him cry..." Her voice trails off and she turns away toward the wall.
I feel a twinge of fear as I consider how much I care about the guy in my life and how I would feel if I was in the same situation.

Grace...I have yet to learn the true meaning of that word in my life. It's something to contemplate, for sure.

May you be blessed through this spring, a time of change/renewal/growth/new life, whether you believe in God or not, whether you celebrate Easter and the Lenten period or not, whether you are living with doubts or walking in complete and utter faith.

Peace.

contemplations that will bore you to death

It's cold in my apartment, for first time since we moved in. I think the super turned down the heat, because the radiators feel significantly less warm and floors are quite chilly. I suppose I could pull on a pair of socks instead of padding about the wood floors with bare feet...but I've always been a bare foot type of girl.

Today--well, this isn't a very significant event. No one heroically died, no one moved from the back to the front of the bus, no war was declared over...but it's still a special day to me. Two months since I stood with my brother outside Tap and glanced up on Dave's "Hey!" to see him. My breath wasn't taken away. I didn't fall in love instantly. We didn't exchange meaningful glances. The world didn't pause its spinning on its axis and my heart didn't skip a beat.

Funny how life is like that. We expect--I expect everything to happen so boldly and ostentatiously, almost as though the things that happen on the sly, the quiet little moments are worth less in my mind than the bang of big occasions, the shock of surprise happenings. I thought love would be the same way--because isn't that always how it happens in love stories? People seem to know from the first moment and they act on it with courage and bravery while I shrink at the thought of opening up and letting someone see me through and through.

So life is strange that way. It almost seems as though we begin our lives being taught to think a certain way and then go on to learn that what we think might not necessarily be true. It's a steep learning curve for all of us--growing up and realizing that perhaps we're idealistic or a bit skewed with our world views and expectations.

Anyway, regardless of whatever my parents taught me from childhood, excluding media that negatively affects and taints the way we view the best and the most beautiful things of life...Here is Marcia, sitting in her pink plaid pyjamas in front of her computer, simply existing and contemplating the beauty of life.

I woke up this morning (too early, I might add) to sunshine pouring in through the window, the fan gently whirring in the background, a pair of warm legs and feet pressed against mine...I opened my eyes and rolled over to see him sleeping beside me and certainty flooded through me...the certainty that he's in the right place at the right time. We both are.

Nothing exciting happened on January 8 that will change your life or affect you in any manner. You probably don't care about my mediocre writing on love and relationships. You've probably enjoyed and suffered through love (and life) so many times, it's all old news to you. This is just another sentimental entry by an average girl who is amazed...

...amazed that she somehow stumbled into him. The one who reaches over and brushes her hair back from her face, lovingly touching her cheek and tapping her nose with his fingers. The one who already senses her moods and feelings, her emotional joy or tumult. The one who makes her laugh and makes her cry. The one who stood outside Tap with her and her brother and smiled at her for the very first time.

We surrender to love because it's unavoidable, like the heartache and change we face during our stay on Earth. We surrender to love because it feels so good. We surrender to love because part of us knows that it's what life is all about--relationships, reaching out to those around you, sharing life with someone.

My feet are getting colder. It's time for me to go to bed alone, wake up alone, anticipation for the coming weekend slowly building again.

I woke up this morning happy. I woke up this morning content. I woke up this morning, considered the last two months, turned over and looked at the quiet moment that has crept into my life as a delicate piano solo but is now a full blown orchestral piece.

I woke up this morning and loved.

Current Music

Lately I've been loving a track by Montreal born artist Melissa Auf Der Maur. It's titled "This Would Be Paradise". The audio clip featured in the song is from a speech made by Canadian Tommy Douglas. You can read about his amazing life and the impact he had on Canada here.

He quite simply says (in the clip):

Man is now able to fly through the air like a bird,

he's able to swim beneath the sea like a fish,

he's able to burrow beneath the earth like a mole.

Now if only he could walk the earth like man;

this would be paradise.

I upped it here. Give it a listen and let me know what you think.

A jumble of images & thoughts

This picture made me laugh when I stumbled across it:








First off, Josh's legs are impossibly long and gangly compared to teeny-tiny baby Martin. I still find it unbelievable that I have a brother who is 21 years younger than me. Sihaam has her "chicken legs" on display for the entire world to see (don't ask--she's very self conscious about her legs for some reason), and Joseph's curly white fro! I don't even know what's going on there. It's one of those family pictures that brings such good memories back to mind.



Winter is almost over! This little cartoon is one of my favourites:

I guess I'm just going for pictures that make me laugh. Yeah, the next one was taken at a work party and that's a giant wedgie going on. The biggest wedgie I have ever seen given in my life. Look how high the underwear is stretched up--almost to the shoulder! Oh the antics we get up to.

Ahahaha, George Bailey has never been more sincere:

Finally, a shaved pussy is a happy pussy:

Peace.

Bust Yo Ass

I'm finally back to the gym again! With the beautiful spring weather, I was motivated to get back into shape...at least back to the fitness level I was at during summer 2010. So I'm running on the treadmill and following a weight training program from this book:

Awesome book! It has detailed work out plans ranging from beginners to advanced and each weight exercise has a detailed how-to description and a picture which shows you exactly what position you should be in when lifting weights. I'm a huge fan of free weights as opposed to weight machines and this book is definitely a must-have if you are too.

Anyway, getting back on that treadmill and running felt like I was coming home. It's never too late to start getting fit, so I encourage you to take that step and become active in some way, shape, or form this spring.

A rousing song to get you in an ass kicking mood:

Or if you're not a fan of heavy music, here's another tune I enjoy running to:

It's a little more happy/feel good.

Go out there and seize the day! And remember:

"Success in life is only as important as the people you share it with."

-Geoff Bussetil

an opening of the heart

As some of you, my faithful and constant readers know, I've been "seeing" a guy for the past...little while. I don't know where exactly we started...neither of us do probably; some people you meet and you quite simply connect with them instantaneously. There's absolutely no logical explanation to it and it happens with friends and lovers. Kindred spirits find each other despite all odds. The fact is--I wasn't even supposed to go out that night in January. I was exhausted from working all day and was booked for day shift the next morning as well, but Dave insisted and made fun of me.

"You work at nine," he said. "That's fucking nothing. You can party until 5 am."

Okay, Dave. Maybe you can do that in the army where you apparently sit around and listen to radio chatter for hours on a mountain top.

Whatever, I went out with him because it was the last night he was going to be around for several months. I love my brother. He's such a dude but he takes the time to call me every couple weeks and check up on my life.

Anyway, we went out, met up with a couple of his high school friends and that was that. I was loaded basically from the beginning to the end and didn't have a very accurate perception of what people looked like or what I was doing. I remember making out with a random guy half way through the night and somehow losing the rest of the crowd during that period. That always seems to happen to me. Losing people, that is. Oh, and the making out. Both kinda, I guess.

The girl who was with our group sat with me at the bar and we talked about the men in our lives. She told me about this guy who she has feelings for and then asked me who I was seeing or if I was interested in anyone.

"Nope, no one," I said honestly. Because I don't get caught up in school girl crushes or fantasies. I feel very pragmatic when it comes to "love".

"What about DudeGuy?" she asked. (I'll just call him DudeGuy in order to protect his identity from you crazy readers!)

"I really don't think he likes me that much," I replied. "He hasn't hit on me at all. I'm not his type."

She laughed and brushed it off.

I guess I'm bad with reading guys and their intentions because he walked back to my apartment with Dave and I and we sat on the floor in the living room, me resting my head on his shoulder, Dave surfing Youtube at 4 am, listening to all types of outlandish music that sounds so much better when you're drunk out of your face.

Dave eventually left to catch his flight (which he sat through drunk) and DudeGuy stayed. It's weird how I never said, "Hey do you wanna stay?" He just knew I wanted him to stay somehow and we went to bed. That is all this honourable girl will say, except that he walked me to work the next morning, holding my hand, and came back the following night just to sleep beside me.

And now almost two months later he still knocks on my door and smiles widely when I open it and he sees me. I'm more afraid than I have ever been in my life, because I've been too close to the edge, the edge being him leaving and my life going back to being DudeGuy-less. It struck me during those moments that--

I love him.

I love his smile that crinkles up the corners of his eyes.

I love his laugh.

I love how he sighs with contentment and places his hand on his heart when he's happy.

I love how he starts his sentences with "Say..." as he's about to propose an idea.

I love how he pauses to think about what to say, careful in choosing his words, and then says, "Well..." before continuing on with his thoughts.

I love how he somehow knows what I need to hear and says it.

I love it when he sings a bit of a song softly in my ear or when he says my name with affection.

I love that we can cry and be emotional without judgement.

I love our physical chemistry, the touching, the desire in our eyes when we look at each other.

I love him.

When I truly pause and think about the past weeks that I have spent with him, I know exactly when my heart opened up to him. It was January 30, a Sunday night. I wanted to show him the new apartment so we came over here and walked around through the empty rooms, the wood floors creaking. We chased each other playfully around the apartment and then I sat on the radiator in the kitchen and he stood in front of me and spontaneously sang a line from a song. It was then I knew that I could love him with every fibre of my being, and I believe it was then that I started to love him.

"I have never felt thunder and lightning like this

I have never been struck by a wonder like this..."

"Ich Kenne Nichts - Sohnee Mannheims ft. Xavier Naidoo, upped here.

A huge part of me worries that we're too different. He's calm, I'm driven by emotions. He's thoughtful, I speak impetuously. He's artistic, I'm just...logical. He's spiritual and I'm religious. He could probably find someone who would better match his temperament and be able to relate to him much better than I can. A cowardly part of me sees wisdom in ending this before it gets so much more complicated.

When it comes down to it though, love is a dichotomy of easy and complicated. It's far too multi-faceted to be one or the other. Whatever happens in the future, I know with assurance that my conscience is clear when it comes to how I feel for him. I'll try my hardest to stand behind him and be there for him, be his Person, and that's all I can do. I can't predict or control how he'll feel about me next week or the week after... I can't control others; I can only control my own actions.

And my action is going to be love.

Love.